Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 6 August 2009

image for Terrell Owens Wins The Buffalo Bills Quarterback Position
A close up photo of Buffalo Bills quarterback Terrell Owens (photo courtesy of Nicolette Sheridan).

BUFFALO - In a surprise move wide receiver Terrell Owens has won the Buffalo Bills starting quarterback job from Trent Edwards.

Owens told Coach Dick Jauron that he wanted to have a shot at becoming the starting quarterback. Trent Edwards the current starter instantly and animatedly expressed his disapproval.

The coach agreed with Edwards. But Owens brought out the fact that the reason that he was not being allowed to compete for the QB slot was simply because he was black.

Owens even produced an email that he had received from Rev. Al Sharpton which mentioned in chronological order a dozen examples of sports bigotry going all the way back to the American Civil War.

Sharpton even included the little know Charleston Cotton Boll Weevil Incident of 1860, in which a negro slave named Cotton Boll Weevil defied his cracker master and said, "Hey massur, I ain'ts pickin' no more of that der cotton. When asked by his master why. Boll Weevil replied because them der cotton balls is rotten and everyone knows that when dem cotton balls gets rotten you can't pick very much cotton.

Coach Jauron accused T.O. and Rev. Sharpton of playing the race card. Owens grinned and replied that yes he was totally playing the race card, the race for the starting quarterback slot race card.

An unnamed source, who's middle initial is 'P' said that Edwards and the third string quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick offered Coach Jaruon $800 each if he would see to it that Owens remained as the team's wide receiver.

Jauron reportedly told them, "No way guys, I do not make team decisions based simply on a monetary factor."

Edwards and Fitzpatrick then decided to offer the coach a date with the seductive local Polish pole dancer, Breena "The Vodka Vixen" Strohhauffen.

Miss Strohhauffen, 24, is a fantastic cook, a great karaoke singer, and last year she was voted The Buffalo Gal With The Biggest N*pples.

The Buffalo Banner Bugle was reporting that one of Terrell's cousins, LaVorSell Dalrymple, IV, had told his barber Sticky Stocksett, 80, that Terrell had offered Coach Jauron $17,000 if he would just give him a chance to compete for the quarterback position.

Dalrymple denied it saying that Sticky has been doing a very strong strain of Central Caribbean Crack 24/7 for the past two years.

He went on to state that as a result most of the time Sticky cannot even remember his own name, the year, or the color of his wife's intimate rug.

So as of now, it appears that Terrell Owens will be throwing the Buffalo football and not catching it.

SIDENOTE: CNN is reporting that Rev. Sharpton has dropped his discriminatory lawsuit against Coach Jauron, The Buffalo Bills organization, the city of Buffalo, and Buffalo Bill Cody.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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