Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 7 August 2009

image for Todd Palin Speaks Out About The 'D' Word and His Salmon Fishing Guide
Todd Palin on his way to the mailbox to check the mail.

WASILLA, Alaska - After listening to dozens and dozens of rumors floating around saying that he and his wife, ex-Governor Sarah Palin are getting a divorce, Todd Palin has decided to present his side of the story.

First of all he said that his wife's decision to resign from the Alaskan governorship was hers and hers alone.

He said that he knows that her dream is to one day run as the Republican nominee for the office of the U.S. presidency.

Todd remarked that he had made it very clear to her in person and through an email that he does not want to have to leave Alaska and his snowmobile racing to go off campaigning in far away places like Bangor, Maine; Apalachicola, Florida; or Brownsville, Texas.

He stated that when he first made Sarah aware of his feelings that she got very upset. He said that she started cussing like a Kodiak lumberjack.

He intoned that she was so mad that she took one of his snowmobile racing trophies out of the trophy case and she threw it down on the floor smashing it.

Todd remarked that he then walked over towards the back of the room and he took a moose head off the wall. It was an award-winning moose that Sarah had actually shot on her eighth birthday.

He positioned the moose head in front of him and he then drop kicked it from the den into the hallway.

Sarah started crying. She then grabbed an autographed photo of Todd and the president of The Alaskan Snowmobile Enthusiasts Federation, Dr. Skip Vatvatwater, took it out of the picture frame and she tore it up into 32 pieces.

Next Todd grabbed a full sized bronzed reindeer that Sarah had been given as a wedding present from her aunt and uncle Sharleen and Rasmus Ballyfork.

The reindeer was standing beside the big screen TV and he took a Louisville Slugger baseball bat and hit it repeatedly putting about seven major dents in it.

At that point little 8-year-old Piper came down the stairs, walked into the room, and asked what in the world was going on.

The ex-governor told her that her and daddy were just rearranging the den and for her to go back to bed.

Little Piper asked why Moo-Moo (her name for the moose head) was lying in the hallway with its nose crushed in, its left ear torn, and four teeth missing.

Her father told her that Moo-Moo had somehow fallen off the wall and that their dog Puddles had dragged it from the den to the hallway. Little Piper told her dad that Puddles had run away three weeks ago.

Todd didn't know what to say. And Mrs. Palin told Piper that Puddles had come back, but just for a few minutes and that he had run away again.

Piper looked at her mom and then at her dad, rolled her sleepy little eyes and just shook her head. She turned around and started walking away towards her bedroom. As she got to the door the Palin's heard their little 8-year-old daughter mutter under her breath, "Bullshit."

After they were both sure that Piper had gone back to her room, Sarah took an expensive ice hockey shaped crystal figurine that had been a gift to Todd from Sean Hannity and she put it on the floor.

She then took a ball-peen hammer out of one of the drawers and she proceeded to beat the crystal ice hockey stick all to hell.

At that point 14-year-old Willow walked in and asked what all the commotion was about. Her mom quickly told her that they were trying to kill a woodchuck that had gotten in the house.

Willow asked what Moo-Moo was doing in the hallway all beat up to heck. Her father said that it was the damn woodchuck but that they would catch it and kill it just as soon as she left to go back upstairs to bed.

She turned around to leave and told her parents that she wished that they could go back to the time when mom was mayor of Wasilla and our biggest problem was if we wanted mustard or mayonnaise on our caribouburgers.

The Palins mutually agreed to stop their antics and go to bed before they wake up grandson Trigg.

Todd had recently spoken to Geraldo Rivera and he had told him that he was in love with Alaska and everything about it from the frozen snow banks of Northern Alaska to the freezing cold waters of Bristol Bay.

He said that he loved getting in his snowmobile and competing in races. He remarked that he loved flying his float plane and canoeing down a rampaging ice-cold river in his kayak.

Geraldo then asked him if he liked salmon fishing.

"Yes. As a matter of fact I do." He answered.

Rivera, who pulls no punches then asked how he felt about his good-looking 27-year-old salmon fishing guide Nanicka Zapalicka.

Todd turned red and said that he was going to tell him like he had told Katie Couric, Charles Gibson, and Joe Biden. He said that he and Nani are not only guide and student, but they are also soul mates.

He added that she taught him things about salmon fishing that he never knew. He said that he had no idea that some salmon can actually pronounce words. He said that the words are only one syllable, but they are words nonetheless.

Todd said that Nanicka, who is a strikingly beautiful Eskimo-American woman stands 5 foot 7 inches tall, weighs 126 pounds, and has vital measurements of 38-24-36.

"Wow! Really?" Geraldo asked with a smile.

"Yes. And Gerry, do not go getting any wrong ideas okay?"

"Okay, but do not ever call me Gerry. I hate that name. And if you call me that name again, then I'll be forced to call you Turd instead of Todd."

"Okay. Don't be so sensitive. My goodness I know that it's 17 degrees below zero, with a windchill factor of minus 24, but that's no reason to get all hot and bothered."

Geraldo laughed and told him that he had just been kind of touchy since his career the past few years has steadily been going south. He told Todd that last September Fox News had him down in Galveston covering that damn Hurricane Ike.

Todd said that he had seen him and he was watching when the hurricane winds knocked him down as he was standing in two feet of water in front of The Galveston Retaining Wall.

"Yeah." Geraldo said. "I must have swallowed about two glasses of damn salt water. And to this day, I cannot stand to be near a fan."

"Yuck." Todd remarked.

"And speaking of Texas. Todd I heard that Sarah and the kids are moving down to The Lone Star State."

"Yes, 'Snowflake' bought George Bush's old Texas Ranch and she's looking forward to going on down there and see what all she can blast all to hell. You know Sarah."

Geraldo smiled and asked him if he would be going down there as well.

Todd looked out the window at the tremendous expanse of snow covering his yard. He smiled, took a sip from his glass of his Tequila Sunrise, and said that he heard that it never snows in Texas.

He then put his drink down, walked over to the window and looked outside at the garage that houses his four snowmobiles and said, "Geraldo, my friend. My four snowmobiles wouldn't work worth a tinker's damn down there in Texas, now would they?"

Geraldo grinned and said, "Todd buddy...not worth a damn."

Just then Todd's cell phone rang. He told Geraldo that he was sorry but that he had to go.

"Nani?" Geraldo asked.

"Yeah, I forgot to mail her the salmon guiding check for this month."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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