Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 1 September 2009

image for Petula, Marianne, Cilla, And Lulu To Tour As "The Old Spice Girls"
Lulu sitting in her living room in Manchester, England watching reruns of The Benny Hill Show.

LONDON - London's highly reputable and prestigious Liquid River Thames Talent Agency in conjunction with Simon Cowell's 19th Hole Production Company has just announced that they have signed United Kingdom 60s icons Petula Clark, Marianne Faithfull, Cilla Black, and Lulu to go on an 80-city concert tour starting in early October.

The four UK songstresses who average 66 years in age have been rehearsing at the palatial Upper Tooting home of Simon Cowell.

Cowell said that this will be the first of many collaborations between his 19th Hole Production Company and Liquid River Thames Talent Agency.

He has chosen the quartet's name which will be "The Old Spice Girls."

Simon remarked that he first approached Petula Clark, who at 76, can still sing the hell out of her hits such as "Downtown" and "I Know A Place" at a music memorabilia festival in Rainhill Stoops, which is just east of Liverpool.

Cowell said that Miss Clark had purchased a microphone cord that had once belonged to Roger Daltrey, lead singer for The Who. She also had bought a broken drumstick that Ringo Starr had used in the Beatles movie "A Hard Day's Night."

And she was proud of her purchase of an old Chap Stick Lip Balm that Mick Jagger had gone through the day he recorded "Jumping Jack Flash" at The Bitter Lime Tree Studios in Pimlico.

She was kinda of shy to admit it but she also purchased an unused condom (still in the original packet) that Paul McCartney had given to his old girlfriend Jane Asher to keep in her purse for later.

Miss Petula told Cowell that she first appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show back in 1965. And then Pet, as her husband called her, told Simon that she still had the bra and panties that she had worn on the Sullivan Show 44 years ago.

She said that she had put them away in a Dutch Masters cigar box underneath her bed when she returned from America.

She told Cowell that as recently as last March, she had been offered 630 pounds [$1,023.97 U.S.] for the bra and 810 pounds [$1,316.54 U.S.] for the knickers.

She says that she plans to wait to sell the two items when the bra goes up to 700 pounds [$1,137.22 U.S.] and the knickers go up to 850 pounds [$1,380.90 U.S.].

Cowell disclosed that Miss Clark looks great and that she confided to him that she does not have an ounce of cellulite anywhere on her body. She noted proudly that she also does not have any tattoos or body piercings.

Simon said that she proudly showed him some recent snapshots to prove her statement.

She blushed and did say that she almost got her belly button pierced three years ago, but she changed her mind when one of her nieces told her that at her age it would probably hurt like a motherfracker.

She added that she makes it a point to drink 24 glasses of water a day and to run at least seven miles a day even if it's raining, snowing, or if she's on her period.

Simon asked Marianne Faithfull, who is 62, what she had been doing lately and she replied that she grows her own tea, tomatoes, crumpets, watermelons, and pain medicine in her backyard.

Mafa, as her Grandmother Dutchaletta calls her, said that on Friday nights she goes down to the local pub The Fishy Smell and participates in Karaoke.

She said that she usually does her hit song "As Tears Go By" but she also likes to sing Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl."

Ms. Faithfull said that she also keeps busy sewing. She confessed that she has been sewing her own bras, knickers, pajamas, and pantyhose since September of 1979.

Cilla Black, who at 66, is the second oldest of the quartet says she keeps busy by selling hand-made T-Shirts with the pictures of her favorite celebrity Russell Brand.

She sells the shirts out of her shop called, Ye Ole Black T-Shirt Shoppe Ye Know. Cilla said that Brand himself visited the shop last week and he purchased six shirts.

He also gave her an autographed copy of his latest CD titled, Russell Edward Brand Performing His %#@$&*%$# Stand Up Comedy Act Sorta Live At Buckingham Palace.

And the baby of the group, 60-year-old Lulu says she keeps fit by singing in the church choir, where every Sunday she says she literally blows the rest of the choir out the window.

She remarked that two months ago her pastor, Rev. Digby Wallingford texted her asking that she please not sing as fantastically awesome as she does.

He pointed out that the other choir members are developing one hell (his word) of a complex and one of them Takasushi Ogura, 89, is actually contemplating leaving the church because he feels like William Hung.

Lulu who had a number one hit in 1967 with her song from the movie of the same name, "To Sir With Love" says that she still receives royalties of about 1,000 pounds [$1,692.36 U.S.] every month. She smiles and says that it keeps her in Yorkshire Pudding, Metamucil, and Estrogen.

The four United Kingdom ladies are really looking forward to their concert tour. Especially the baby of the group Lulu who blushes as she says. "I can (h)ardly wait ta subject meself ta those (h)ot and (h)orny male groupies."

SIDENOTE: None of the four ladies has ever had any tattoos, piercings, liposuction, or breast implants. Marianne (Faithfull) did say that she still has a slight scar on her neck from all of the hundreds of hickeys that she used to get from Mick (Jagger) whom she still calls the skinniest, blimiest, horniest lead singing bastard she ever spun lies with.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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