(AP) - Washington- Offering Americans "Living Autopsies" is on of the major elements of the Obama Administration's health care reform proposal, the AP has learned. The proposal is hidden on page 876 1/2 of the more that 1,000 page document.
"Gee, we didn't think it would get noticed so soon," said, "Elizabeth "Lizzy" Borden, Director of the newly formed "Living Autopsies For You -LAFU," Administration, "but now that it's out in the open, let's talk about it," Borden added. " It's a breakthrough idea designed to save Americans billions of dollars. Why should you wait until you are dead to know what's wrong with you," she added.
Under LAFU, as explained in the omnibus legislation, all Americans would be eligible for a complete autopsy every year at a charge beginning at $200. "All of the work will be performed by professionals at 2,600 LAFU centers around the nation. Each practitioner will receive an intensive three day training course. They'll really know what they are doing, and they don't have to be doctors. Once the "Y" incision is made and all of the organs exposed the, LAFU practitioner will make sure everything is in the right place and looks nice and pretty. If not, the organ will be removed and examined, but not replaced," Borden noted. "Why would you want a diseased organ put back? That's just plain silly. You can also file a form requesting a transplant which takes only 60 days to process. If it's a critical organ, let's says a heart, we can get the paperwork done is about 30 days. Compassion for humanity is a key for the President. This plan is not just about money," Borden reassured.
Anesthetic will be optional for an additional $100, but restraints will be free and re-stitching will cost $50. "It's really up to the patient and family. Anesthesia is for pussies. Hey, we strap 'em down for nothing. Also, they can always take their loved one home and do the stitching. That's what I would do," said Borden, a former New York City cab driver and pole dancer. "It's real simple and pure genius.We expect Americans to flock to it like the Cash For Clunkers program. Let's face it there is no downside, just a win, win idea"
Numerous calls to the American Medical Association by the Associated Press went unanswered as did calls to the Christian Science Church.
By Howard Cronkite Jr., AP Summer Intern Medical Reporter.
The Following Associated Press Summer interns also contributed to this story: Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Corky Couric, Taco Rivera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams