WASILLA, Alaska - After weeks of speculation, innuendo, and denial, word has come out that ex-governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has decided to leave Alaska and move down to Texas.
The former governor purchased former President George Bush's 1,583 acre ranch back in May of this year. She wrote out a personal check for the total purchase amount of $1,237,811.
Palin renamed the ranch The Rancho Saracuda. The sprawling Central Texas ranch has an exquisite ranch house with eight bedrooms, four baths, a four-truck garage, a butter churning room, and an industrial cornbread dispenser.
It also houses a helicopter hangar, which "Shotgun" Sarah will no doubt be putting to good use for her hunting excursions.
Laredo Border Tribune reporter Sancho Naranjas asked the ex-governor if Todd would be coming along with her.
Palin smiled and asked, "I'm sorry. What was your name again?"
"My name is Sancho."
"Yes, Ya know Santa, I don't really know. Because lately Todd has been very busy attending lots and lots of snowmobile races as well as dedicating himself to his new-found sudden love...salmon fishing."
Naranjas asked her if Nanicka Zapalicka, the voluptuously lascivious and lewd 27-year-old salmon fishing guide was still in the picture.
Palin turned red and answered, "Ah, Mr. Nirvana is it? I will thank you to never ever again mention that bitch's name in my presence. Thank you."
"Well okay, so then is the salmon fishing guide still giving your husband, Todd salmon fishing lessons?"
"Look A-hole, firstly, I think that I know my husband's name okay? Secondly, I told you not to mention that sorry-ass, home-wrecking puta's (whore's) name didn't I?"
"No ma'am you said not to mention the name Nanicka Zapalicka, you did not say anything about not mentioning a salmon fishing guide."
"Wow. Okay then Paco Peckerwood. I guess with you it's seven of one half dozen of the other huh?"
"Don't huh me punk. I took Spanish in high school."
Palin shook him off and said that she had to leave to go and check out the reindeer traps she had set out on the ranch.
She was quickly informed by Picosita Cancion a reporter for San Antonio's Spanish-Speaking TV Station KQUE Channel Uno (One) that there are no reindeer in Texas.
Palin smiled and said that, that was not what the brochure said.
She then went on and remarked that it was her understanding that her ranch had a lot of cattle, horses, reindeer, caribou, polar bear, and moose.
The reporter laughed and said that there wasn't a reindeer, caribou, polar bear, or moose south of Cheyenne, Wyoming.
"Damn that George Bush...Damn that lying sumbitch."
Palin was fuming. "Ya know, I should have known that "Redneck" George would lie about animals, hell the b*st*rd lied about the weapons of mass destruction, what the hell is a damn sumbitch caribou?"
SIDENOTE: There are as yet unconfirmed reports that America's Got Talent singing sensation "Kentucky" Kevin Skinner has been asked by the ex-governor to play at a housewarming party that she is throwing at her new ranch for a few friends and invited guests in early September.