Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 4 August 2009

image for The Return of Jon and "Bikini Mama" Kate Plus 8
A photo of 34-year-old Kate "Bikini Mama" Gosselin relaxing in her Pennsylvania pool.

WYOMISSING, Pennsylvania - One of the highest rated reality shows in the history of reality shows is back. Jon and Kate Plus 8, which is filmed before a live audience, returned to record breaking viewer numbers.

Kate was on for about 43 of the 46 minutes and Jon was on for 7 of the 46 minutes. The rest of the time he was off gallivanting with Jean and Joan and who knows who.

The Gosselin family kitchen was completely renovated. Workers took out the old refrigerator, stove, sinks, cabinets, and fixtures and replaced them all with brand new ones since after all the G's are paid $75,000 per show.

Kate took the eight kids to the beach. And the 34-year-old blonde mama de ocho (of eight) looked positively stunning in her little bitty bright orange bikini swimsuit, which barely covered her pair of luscious-looking bobbers.

"Bikini Mama" Kate showed the viewing audience pretty much exactly what soon-to-be ex-husband Jon ain't no longer gonna be getting no more of [WRITER'S NOTE: Double negatives used with the editor's kind permission to achieve journalistic effect.]

The one mystery regarding Kate's fine looking bikini swimsuit was what in the world did "Bikini Mama" sit in? As she was shown frolicking on the beach with her eight young'uns one could clearly see that the bottom of the back of her orange bikini bottom was black.

So either Mrs. Gosselin sat in a pan of Hershey's Chocolate, a vat of licorice, or a bucket of paving tar. But no matter, Kate is still quite the cutey and even Jon would have to admit that she does have the body of a woman in her early 20's.

The show's producer Conrad Frizzante did convey that Kate's fans are growing as fast as the bald spot on Jon's head, which seems to have expanded quite a bit and is heading towards both ears at a high rate of speed.

One interesting note, for all of the 'action' that Jon is supposedly getting with this gal and that gal he sure does not appear to be very happy. Or if he is happy he is sure doing a damn good job of hiding it.

Kate took the kids camping in their backyard. She tried to set up the two tents but the 'sissygirl' just could not do it. She tried and tried but she said that she has never set up a tent (and she still hasn't).

The director cut to a commercial and when they returned the tents had both been miraculously set up. Word on the street is that the cameraman, the soundman, and the cue card girl set them up in record time.

In one kitchen scene Jon made a remark and Kate belittled him by asking him what planet he was from? Jon turned to her, then turned to the camera, smiled, looked right into Kate's face and said. "Kate...I am from Uranus."

"Bastard!"

"Bitch!"

3, 2, 1, AND FADE...



Kate was asked by Wolf Blitzer of CNN if it was true that she had just signed a $6 million contract to be the official spokesperson (and poster girl) for The Ay Caramba Brazilian Bikini Wax Corporation. Kate blushed and replied, "$7 million."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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