GALVESTON, Texas - The Southern Water Institute of Galveston (SWIG) after an extensive two-year $7.3 million study has concluded that drinking water, whether it be tap or bottled is bad for you.
Flora Belle Wetweather, president of SWIG, stated in an 83-page study that the United States government has known since early 1991, that water, in any way, shape, or form is not only bad for one's health, but for their emotional, psychological, mental, sexual, and quintessential well-being as well.
Miss Wetweather, who at the age of 62, has never been married said that in early May of this year, she was approached by two members of the FBI and two members of the CIA and told that if she knew what was good for her she would keep her mouth shut about her water findings.
When she replied that she was going to make her findings public, she was told by FBI Agent Montecarlo Caboodle that if she made her findings known she would risk having her 2009 income tax doubled.
Caboodle added that she would also be prohibited from touching any American paper money and if she was caught violating this restriction she would immediately be arrested and charged with deliberately disregarding the official Federal instructions of a licensed Federal officer.
He went on to add that this violation was punishable with a fine of not less than $1 million plus a jail sentence of from 65 to 70 years in a maximum security state prison (probably the notoriously infamous Sing Sing Prison).
Miss Wetweather said that the last time she had looked that this was still America. CIA Agent Chiyodo Noshikami told her that maybe she better look again. She did and she replied that it was still America.
Noshikami replied, "Hmmmmm."
He reached in his officially assigned CIA attache case and took out a billy club. He then casually hit Wetweather on the top of her head ten times in a row.
When she came to, Noshikami said, "Woman, you are not looking too good in your face. I suggest you go home and lie down and learn to cooperate with the authorities before you go to sleep and wake up in a Shanghai, China chopstick-making sweat shop...I'm just saying."
Wetweather looked up at Agent Noshikami and said, "Sir please write down exactly what it is that you want me to say so that I can memorize it and say it...thank you and goodnight."
Senator Kazoo Mickler, Republican from North Carolina has been threatened with senatorial impeachment for his statement that the best and cheapest answer to national health care is your basic everyday Exorcism 101.