The Obama Health Care Plan, which is set for a Congressional Vote after the end of summer vacations, is over 1500 pages long and is written in very small print size technical legalesse. Researchers at the Houston School of Linguistics, however, have managed to interpret the entire plan and discovered the following:
While it is already known that the plan will not cover most people over the age of sixty, there are a few exceptions. Persons of that age will be covered if they can show a membership card to the Brownshirts (a.k.a. ACORN). Another exception will be made to people who have proven that they have contacted their cable or satellite company and requested the removal of the Fox News channel.
Persons who eat fried fast foods more than once per month automatically default on their coverage. Effective January 1st, all fast food locations serving fried foods (Subway being the only and obvious exception) will have to enter a citizen ID number before being served. A national database will track the patronization and inform people by e-mail when they no longer qualify. Exceptions will be made for those attending children's birthday parties (but only as long as they don't eat the french fries).
Persons desiring hypnosis for the treatment of cigarette, drug, or alchol addiction will be required to also listen to excepts from the Democratic Nation Convention and the latest Obama State of the Union Address. The same will be true of all people receiving anti-depressants and all other mind altering drug treatments.
There is no truth to the rumor that is spreading that people will have to turn in all of their firearms before being eligible for medical treatment. They can, at this time, still retain ownership of their water pistols, super soakers, potato guns, water balloon launchers, and paintball guns.
While persons over the age of 60 who can provide proof of American birth or citizenship are not covered, all persons who cannot provide any proof of citizenship are automatically covered at 100% (regardless of age).
Interestingly enough, when this last item was announced it coincided with a mass migration of Mexicans northward to live in their border cities of Juarez, Tiajuana, and Nuevo Laredo.