SOD, W.Va.-- In a twist to the old "Man Bites Dog" story, Fermayla Douche, a 21-year-old transsexual, paper "person," was severely bitten by Cujo, a Rat Terrier, while delivering TheSpoof.com, Sunday morning. He was air lifted to Matewan General Delivery Hospital where he is listed in "guarded" condition following major surgery on his minor member.
Ron Paul XVII, the noted Urological Reconstructive Surgeon from Pikeville, Kentucky, operated on the paperboy's perforated penis promptly upon his arrival at MGDH. Following five hours of surgery, Douche's penis and testicles had to be removed due to extensive lacerations, avulsions, and shredding.
"He lost his poker, that's for sure," said Paul speaking to reporters outside the hospital. "There was nothing we could do to save his genitalia. However, I was able to use some left over foreskin with which I constructed a crude, yet efficient, vagina."
Cujo was taken into custody by the Logan County Animal Control office. His owner claimed that the animal was not to blame for the attack. "The dog was chained up, and that stupid asswipe went up to him and waved an open can of beef flavored Mighty Dog in front of his face, but just out of reach," John Holmes told reporters gathered outside the dog pound. "Then he stuck his pecker into the dog food and waved that in front of Cujo. The only problem was, he was a whole eight inches closer to my dog. And the dog got a hold on his schlong and bit in and shook it like it was a rat or something."
"When we arrived, we attempted to get Cujo to let go of Douche's weenie, but God help us, we couldn't stop laughing-it was funny as shit," Animal Control Officer IV Baden Powell said.
"On the bright side," the physician said, "He isn't a queer anymore. He's a she!"