Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Marriage, Americans

Wednesday, 14 July 2004

image for Gay Marriage Ban has Married People Up in Arms
You Don't Know What You're Getting Into

A new poll finds most Americans are against a Gay Marriage Ban Amendment while at the same time are against homosexuals marrying. One of the poll respondents, Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana said, " Well shit, of course I wish I had a gay marriage, everybody does, but marriage is hard work with a lot of ups and downs. I don't know why Congress would want to pass an Amendment that bans having a gay marriage. I think it would only make matters worse the next time my wife starts screaming at me."

When questioned how it was that Mr. Hymen could support Gay marriage when he was against homosexuals getting married Mr. Hymen said, " What the hell does one thing have to do with another? Just because I want my marriage to be happy and gay doesn't mean I want to see some Nancy Boys getting hitched. That's disgusting. Them Lesbians being married, now that's kinda sexy, but why can't they just date?"

Another poll respondent, Pfc. H. Elpme, on leave from his unit in Baghdad said, "I don't know why Gays think that being married is such a wonderful thing anyway. I mean, I've got no problem with people being homosexual; in fact, I support ‘em. That's why I'm trying to stop them from getting married. I mean, I've been married for ten years now and it's no picnic. I've been in Iraq for a year and during that time my wife has wrecked my car, accidentally killed my dog and emptied my bank account. Trust me, it's better to be single."

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Isn't it great? Think about it...we went to war for no good reason, the economy still sucks, Homeland Security is trying to stop the Presidential Elections, Healthcare costs are through the roof and millions of people are out of work, yet the Administration has managed to focus peoples attention of whether or not a couple of men can get married. Once this (The Gay Marriage Amendment) is finished, we're going after people who don't leash their dogs, the un-American scum."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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