WASILLA, Alaska - Ex-Governor Sarah Palin held a press conference at The Crazy Caribou Bar & Grill in downtown Wasilla to dispel the rumors which have been running rampant that her and husband Todd are getting a divorce.
The good-looking 45-year-old Palin said that she is tired of everyone asking her questions like who is getting the house, the four snowmobiles, the snow plow, the pontoon plane, and oh yes the five kids.
Snowflake, as hubby Todd affectionately calls her, has spent so much time trying to stifle these runaway rumors that she says she has not had time to kill any big ole animals in three days.
She said that she was supposed to have gone up to The Yukon Flats National Wildlife Refuge with neighbors Woody and Booboo Druttwinkle and shoot some deranged reindeer that have been terrorizing some of the local Eskimos.
Palin confessed that she is really disappointed that she had to put her reindeer blasting on hold in order to hold her damn 'divorce denying rumors' press conference.
Mrs. Palin told Estellita Tahoe of Wasilla's Channel 22 News that she really and truly believes that everyone has her and Todd mixed up with Jon and Kate Gosselin, or maybe Katie Lee and Billy Joel, or perhaps Robyn and Mel Gibson.
Palin said that she wants everyone to know that her marriage has never been stronger. "Folks, I'm happy, I'm happy. Please believe me, I'm happy."
Tahoe asked the ex-governor about her husband's BFF.
Palin's smile disappeared and she asked, "What about Todd's BFF?"
"Well Mrs. Palin isn't it a fact that your husband has been spending quite a bit of time salmon fishing lately?"
"Okay, let's cut to the chase. Nanicka Zapalicka."
"Oh, yes Nani. Well let me just say that Miss Zapalicka, who for those who do not know is a stunningly beautiful, 27-year-old Eskimo-American woman. She has her own salmon fishing guide agency and Todd and I have hired her to provide him with her salmon fishing guide expertise."
"Yes. And Miss Tahoe, I will thank you to get that silly-looking smirk off of your face, before I reach over with my wild wilderness womanly hands and slap it off of you."
"You don't scare me Mrs. Palin. And you are not going to intimidate me. I don't give a damn if you have killed hundreds and hundreds of moose, caribou, elk, and reindeer."
"Well for your information Missy, the number is actually up in the thousands okay. Ya know you would think that a professional reporter such as you claim to be would do her homework and get her figures right."
"Yeah, will speaking of figures, the word on the street is that Todd has told several of his friends that Miss Zapalicka's figure is a lot more appealing than that of a certain someone with the initials "S.P."
"Okay bitch! That's it no more questions. And I suggest that you get out of my face before I go to my SUV and come back with my high-powered $9,000 telescopic rifle and shoot your Channel 22 minivan all to hell."
"Excuse me Madam Snowballs, is that a threat?"
"Madam Snowballs? Why you little, barely-out-of-puberty polar bear mammaries-lookin' twat, it's not a threat. It's what I like to call 'target practice.'
Miss Tahoe rolled her eyes. She started putting away her microphone and she told Palin that she will not be voting for her in 2012.
Palin smiled. She cracked her knuckles and then said, "Of course not. In 2012, you'll only be 19. And you'll still be too young to vote."
SIDENOTE: The ex-governor was asked by CBS's Katie Couric where her husband, the now ex-first dude was. Palin smiled, took a sip of her Diet Dr. Pepper and said that Todd was down in Anchorage...salmon fishing.