Written by Doug Powers
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Wednesday, 14 July 2004

image for John Kerry's planned convention speech leaked
"I can relate to working class America, and so can my polo pony!"

Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe is engaged in a desperate attempt to find the person or persons who leaked John Kerry's alleged acceptance speech at the nominating convention later this month.

According to McAuliffe, "This is the sort of underhanded, devious and unscrupulous behavior that, if not performed by DNC personnel, is done with the intent to harm."

The speech first appeared on The Fudge Report, a website that specializes in breaking news of interest to fudge shop owners on Mackinaw Island, Michigan, and other lovers of all things confectionary.

It is thought that the speech was placed there by hackers, since the webmaster of The Fudge Report, Dirk Johansson, claims he was busy working, packing fudge all day at a local shop.

Phil Peckerham, of the internet investigative firm "Web Cops," had a theory. "We think that the term 'fudge' has some synonymous meaning for those who decided to leak the speech on that particular website. 'Fudge', as in 'falsify' or 'swindle'."

Experts doubt the legitimacy of the leak, but some quotes from the speech allegedly planned by Kerry at the convention are as follows:

"The time for negotiations has passed, and the time for action is now! 'Pantene Pro-V' needs more protein emollients, and on this principle, there is no compromise!"

"I approached Hillary Clinton late last month and told her that I was seeking a Vice President. Someone with feminine qualities and girlish exuberance... and that's why I'd decided to pick John Edwards as my running mate."

"With my wife by my side, some bling-bling on her hand, and a pawnshop around the corner, there's nothing I can't accomplish as president!"

"They say I go along with my friend and colleague Ted Kennedy on almost everything, but don't worry-- As long as I've got a strong guard rail, emergency SCUBA gear, and it's before 9 a.m., I should be fine."

"War is horrible. I know. I served. Now, it's a whole new ball game. War is profitable. War is a billion dollar a year industry. Fortunes are reaped from war. All I've got to say now is, 'War, will you marry me?'"

The alleged speech was pulled from The Fudge Report early this morning. Calls to Republican National Committee headquarters were answered with a "no comment", but giggling was audible in the background.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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