CANCUN, Mexico - The Mayor of the Mexican resort city of Cancun, Cipriano Masa-Trigo has ordered that the beaches of Cancun be shut down.
Masa-Trigo said that overnight sand thieves managed to steal about 300 dump truck loads of refined white beach sand.
"Dees sand chee is the berry expensive type of bitch (beach)sand." Masa-Trigo said with a little bit of a noticeable accent.
"Members of dee Cancoon police department are right now as we are talking taking finger prints from the bitch sand.
We tried to check the security cameras but dee gad damn thieves they take the mother fracking security cameras tambien (also).
The low life sons-of-bastard beaches. And I am not too chure if my English cussing is right but I am one pissed-up muchacho-guy right about now.
So please forgib me if I say words in the not berry much right way, okey dokey hokey pokey play ball!"
Masa-Trigo was asked if he had taken English while in high school. He replied that he had and that in fact he had gotten the highest English grade (C-) in the 27 year history of Pancho Villa High School.
He did confess that he had not practiced it in a long time. He grinned, took a drink from his Corona Light, and said, "I have forgotten most of eat except for dee bad words, like chit, tits, beach, son-of-a-beach, and wiener."
Mayor Masa-Trigo's son-in-law Police Chief Panchito Tequila-Cuervo said that he is trying to raise some money through some Girl Scout tamale sales to be able to hire an inspector from Scotland Yard to come over to Cancun and do some inspecting.
He also said that he called the FBI in America but they put him on hold and he hung up after 55 minutes.
He tried later and again they put him on hold and he hung up after hearing Dolly Parton sing "Here You Come Again" 17 times.
Tequila-Cuervo said that he has faith that the damn sand stealer's will be caught. He said that he received an anonymous phone call from a man who said that he had information on the sand robbers.
He said that his name was Prince Albert in a can. Tequila-Cuervo said that he could not really understand the man very well because he was laughing too much. So he told him to please call back later whenever he stops laughing.
The man has not called back as of yet.
The mayor said that tourists who are staying at Cancun's three major hotels The Casa Cancun Coon, The Senorita Sin Zapatos Inn, and The Thighs of Salma Hayek Beach Palace are very upset because they cannot go swimming, sunbathing, or castle building.
The Cancun Hotel/Motel Association has agreed to give each of the hotel guests free coupons for 30 percent off at the local Kentucky Fried Pollo, the Pizza Hacienda, and Jose's Hand-Made Hot Dogs.
And for the single gentlemen the association will be providing them with a free 'woman of the night' coupon from Lupita's Bam-Bam Casa de Muchachas.
Mayor Masa-Trigo wanted to pass along an official mayoral message to any American people who were planning to visit his beautiful city of Cancun.
"Please peoples of dee Ju es A. Do not let the fact that some no good pieces of burro chit have stolen our pretty bitch sand.
Please do it like the old snow white-haired dude from dee choe Dee Price Chee Is Right Bobby Parker sez, "Hey ju, come on down ober here."
SIDENOTE: The president of Mexico Nacho Winslow has already intervened in the stolen sand situation. He has informed his Attorney General Ambrosio Salsa-Verde that once the perpetrators are captured he wants them taken to court immediately, given a fair trial, and then shot within 45 minutes!