Martha's Vineyard - (Dead & Buried Mess): A special treat awaits Senator Ted Kennedy next week as birthday-boy President Obama prepares to vacation just yards from the Chappa-quidditch (sic) site where his birth mother Mary Jo Kopechne died in 1969.
Federal agents in Pennsylvania are to exhume Kopechne's body after her DNA and Rev Jesse Jackson's scored a direct hit for parentage of Barack Obama.
Kennedy, 97, famously got off scot free after blagging his way out of a barely plausible DUI prang scenario that ended in Kopechne's drowning.
However newly released FBI files show that Jackson and Kopechne were both in the back seat of Kennedy's Lincoln Chevrolet when it careered off the bridge on 18 July 1969.
Witnesses claim the couple were having a bloody furious row about their son when a 'small white pickup' crashed into the Chevvy.
Republican sperm donor William White-Van Defender (sic) is the owner of Chillmuck Blue Heron Farm where the Obamas will spend their $50,000 week long vacation.