After years of remaining relatively indifferent to a problem that has been labeled an 'epidemic' by the center for disease control, newly divorced Brian Havelberg has discovered that the problem of obesity has reached alarming and "disgusting" proportions, especially among available women in his hometown of Elk River, Minnesota. After several months of field research, Havelberg estimates that roughly two of three divorced or never married Elk River women between the ages of 31 and 44 suffer from this deeply troubling condition despite his constant urging for these women to "do something about their problem, like, I don't know, work out or something, Jesus!"
Most distressing to Havelberg is the inability of women to self-diagnose their condition. In many cases, a woman may list her body size as 'average' or 'a few extra pounds' on her match.com profile page, only to be revealed as disappointingly overweight upon further investigation. Havelberg recommends women of the Elk River area suffering from obesity begin a low-carb diet, rich in vitamins D and A or at least update their profile pictures more often.
According to Havelberg's research, obesity, if left untreated, puts single woman in the Elk River area at risk for diabetes, heart disease and being deemed undatable by him.