Written by Professor Jabo
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Wednesday, 14 July 2004

image for Kerry Runs Into Problems in the Latino Community
Senator Kerry at a Los Angeles Latino Club

Senator John Kerry toured Latino nightspots in LA after his recent Hollywood fund raiser seeking to impress club patrons that he is a regular guy they could count on to understand their problems. Unfortunately as he attempted to lip sync Herb Alpert's "The Lonely Bull", his tongue became caught in the mouthpiece and he was unable to complete his performance and give his stump speach about opening California's borders to undocumented democratic voters.

Embarrassed handlers quickly hurried him off stage and took him to Cedars Sinai Hospital where his tongue was successfully extracted from the mouthpiece. Hospital staff said the Senator was in some pain but was expected to make a full recovery. Senator Kerry vowed later to ask former President Clinton to give him sax lessons prior to his next attempt with a musical instrument.

Meanwhile back at the club, a fight broke out when a number of patrons misinterpreted some hand gestures Senator Kerry made when he was wheeled out of the club on a stretcher and unable to speak. Apparently the gestures were similar to gang signals.

16 customers were arrested and another 13 were transported to King Drew Hospital where the physician shortage due to the recent loss of accreditation in several departments resulted in an additional fight as the patients fought for medical help.

The SWAT team arrived and was videotaped by local TV Channel 5 spraying 3 nurses, 7 physicians and 300 patients with MACE and fire hoses. Police dogs apparently bit two other patients being treated for post traumatic shock syndrome as a result of watching too much reality TV. 27 patients subsequently came down with pneumonia as a result of the fire hosing.

Attorney Robert Shapiro has filed a class action lawsuit on behalf of the pneumonia patients and others injured at the hospital.

In a related incident, the police van taking the persons arrested at the club to jail collided with one of the SWAT team trucks on the way to the distrubance at King Drew Hospital. 14 prisoners escaped into the night stealing 6 cars and robbing a total of eight 7/11 convenience stores.

LA's Chief of Police, William Bratton, has scheduled a news conference and Jessie Jackson has called for a full investigation of the incident.

The Special Gang Unit of the Los Angeles Police Department has sought a restraining order to keep Senator Kerry out of the LA Latino community.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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