Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 2 August 2009

image for Kenny Chesney: "I Did Not Cause Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson's Breakup"
Jessica Simpson at a Jack-in-The-Box. If you look closely you can see that her left nipple is exposed.

NASHVILLE - Country music icon Kenny Chesney told Kuyuki Kamakura, a reporter for Sports Illustrated that he is not the reason that Tony Romo dumped girlfriend Jessica Simpson as some of the national tabloids are erroneously reporting.

Chesney admits the fact that several years ago he he did marry Renee Zellwegger and then she had the marriage annulled about nine days later.

And he knows that for months afterwards he found himself smack dab in all of the tabloids including, The National Enquirer, The Public Prober, The Urban Quizzer, The Country Music Questioner, and The Interstate Investigator.

Kenny said that he does not appreciate The Nationwide DirtRag stating his flirting with Simpson caused Tony Romo to become enraged with jealousy and break up with the Daisy Dukes short shorts-wearing blonde.

He said that Simpson was in reality flirting with him and that just because she sat on his lap and basically made his crotch disappear does not mean that he was flirting with her.

Chesney said that he asked Jessica to get off of his lap at least six times but she just pretended that she didn't hear him. He said that he finally told her that he had to go take a piss and that he would be right back.

He said he went to the bathroom and then snuck out through the bathroom window and went home, took a shower, and watched an episode of Two And A Half Men which he had tivoed.

Chesney's manager, Curry Goldencreek did confirm that Ms. Simpson had called Kenny's cell phone the next day about 40 times.

Kamakura asked the popular country singer if he had kissed Miss Simpson passionately. Chesney turned as red as a chimpanzee's puckeroo and replied that it all depends on what your definition of a passionate kiss is.

When he was told that the definition of a passionate kiss was one where one individual presses his or her lips against the willing lips of another his or her and both start squirming, and wiggling, and basically getting all hot and bothered to the point where both participants just want to take their friggin' ass clothes off and start rubbin' each others crotch area and doing the Honolulu Hula but without the grass skirt and with no room between each other's groin regions.

Chesney thought for a moment and asked "Okay now, I am somewhat confused. Now tell me once again, where the hell does the grass skirt come into the picture?"

Kenny's cell phone rang. He answered it. It was Ashlee Simpson, Jessica's little sister.

He said that he had to leave right away because Ashlee was all upset and crying. She told him that Jessica was driving to Mount Rushmore in the South Dakota Black Hills and that she said that she was going to jump off of Thomas Jefferson.

SIDENOTE: Kenny Chesney was able to catch up with Jessica just outside of Custer, South Dakota, which is about ten miles from Mount Rushmore. He sat her down at a Jack-in-The-Box and told her that he would record a duet with her if she promised him that she would not jump off of Thomas Jefferson. Jessica said okay, smiled her beautiful smile, and asked Kenny to please get her a root beer refill.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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