Honolulu, Hawaii - The Hawaiian Department of Health, which keeps tract of vital statistics such birth and death certificates, has announced today that they will be giving weekly updates regarding the unchanging status of President Barack Obama's birth certificate.
The decision to hold weekly news conferences came when the department realized that it was not being very affective in getting the word out all the other previous news conferences and press releases announcing that Barack Obama holds a valid Hawaiian birth certificate, making him a U.S. citizen.
"The fault rests with us," said Albert Boyer, Director of the Hawaiian Dept. of Health. "We obviously have not been doing a very good job at getting the word out that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. Or apparently that Hawaii is the fiftieth state to join the Union, the Union of the United States of America that is."
Therefore, the Hawaiian department of health has decided that every Friday, beginning this week, they will issue progress reports concerning President Barack Obama's birth certificate.
"So today being Friday," said Boyer, as he took out a folded sheet of paper from the top pocket of his shirt." I'll begin with that weekly update, reading it to you presently: Monday, nothing..."
It is unlike, however, that the weekly updates on President Barack Obama's still being a valid birth certificate will quite critics such as the "bithers" - a self-described grassroots movement that alleges Obama is not a U.S. citizen, but a Kenyan citizen.
"Tuesday, nothing..." continued Boyer.
"Damn right it won't," said a spokesman and for the birther group. "Those weekly updates can still be falsified, just like the landing of men on the moon."
"Wednesday and Thursday nothing..." continued Boyer.
The Hawaiian Dept. of Heath transferred a number of state employees from other areas of its daily operations, specially training them to sit and watch a stagnate document before being assigned to specifically watch the Obama birth certificate, noting and report any changes to its validity.
"Thursday...Wait! No. Sorry. False alarm, nothing," continued Boyer. "Friday again nothing. Now, since we're closed on Saturday and Sunday, we don't know if anything changed until Monday morning. But if the Obama birth certificate has lost its validity over the weekend for any reason other than misology, we will forgo notifying you through Friday's weekly update, and we will notify you immediately on Monday morning. Until then, we beg the public, media and rightwing conspiracy theorists alike to please refrain from contacting our offices regarding the validity of the Obama birth certificate. As already stated in other press conferences and again here, it is valid. And if said validation should suddenly change do the rearrangement of matter on a subatomic level, we will notify you accordingly as the situation warrants."
"You see!" said the spokesman form the birthers. "What did we tell you? No body is watching over the weekend. It must become invalid then, making Obama president Monday through Friday only. Wait. What am I talking about? That weekly update has been falsified. Obama is not the president, because was born in Kenya. I dare you to prove otherwise. Until then, case closed. Case closed. I said case closed!"