Written by Asheville Jack
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Wednesday, 29 July 2009

image for New Conservative Retirement Plan: Keep Working till you Drop Dead!
Capitol Hill security guard "Scooter" Libby

Washington, DC - A novel retirement plan for the people of America is under consideration in Congress. The plan put forth by conservative members of Congress is decidedly straight forward and simple. Aptly named the 'Keep Working Until You drop Dead Retirement Health Plan', it's not expected to be on the Presidents desk when Congress leaves town for their month long August break.

Said Sen. Austin Houston from Alaska, "It's just so imperative considering today's dire economic environment that American workers continue to do their patriotic duty and work, work, work. The future of our great nation is at stake. Now, if you'll excuse me I have a plane to catch as I'm headed home on holiday."

Sen. Phil Buster from Georgia also praised the program. "The only difficulty I had with this bill was the name. I put forth a resolution to re-name it something snappy like 'Conservative Rulers United to Eliminate Leisure' or CRUEL for short, but that was rejected as redundant. Still, if every American works hard until they drop dead, just think of the fabulous physical condition they'll be in when they die. And as y'all know, a lot of people think a good looking corpse is important, Michael Jackson aside"

"This bill is designed to help Americans through that difficult post retirement period by eliminating it entirely," said Sen. Mobucks of New York, "The truth is most people don't really want to retire. I think it's so sad that healthy old folks are being forced into retirement by unfair Social Security regulations. It's just another instance of the federal government gone mad, intruding where it doesn't belong. For instance, take the case of my eighty-two year old Japanese gardener Akio. Or at least that's what I think his name is. We're the best of friends. Well anyway, he likes working for me. It keeps him healthy, gives him peace of mind. Plus, where else is a guy like him going to make $400 a month cash, tax free."

When asked recently about the proposed bill on NBC's Meet the Press, Ex-VP Dick Cheney noted it obvious economic plus's. "The longer you work, the more you pay into Social Security, the more the federal government can borrow from it to fund other programs, like my health care and retirement. Plus, as the minority party we know we can't kill Social Security outright, so we'll just kill those it was designed to help instead. Either way we win, which is the most important part."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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