In a shocking statement to the press, Barack Obama finally admitted that he was not born in Hawaii. "I am," he said, "a brother from another planet." Obama confessed that he used his alien time machine to go back to 1961 and fake his own birth certificate.
Obama seemed pleased that he had been able to get away with this elaborate hoax for so long. "You can't fool all of the people all of the time, but I came pretty damn close!" Obama also expressed surprise that so few had noticed his other-worldly origins. "You really thought I was one of you? C'mon, a black president named Barack? A politician with a jump shot? I mean, who adopts a Portuguese water dog? And please, how could you not notice Michelle's alien arms?"
Finally, Obama laughed out loud and said, "I'm just playing with you guys." Then he abruptly left the press conference.
There are two competing schools of thought on what Obama meant by this last statement. Some say this means he was just joking about being an alien. Others are convinced that he is literally "playing" with us - that the alien being known as Obama is merely toying with a confused planed, pretending to be the legitimate president of a clueless country.
In other birth certificate news, Senator Jeff Sessions, ranking Republican of the Senate Judiciary Committee, demanded that Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, produce proof of her U.S. citizenship in order to address persistent rumors that she is a Puerto Rican. The senator was then informed that Sotomayor was born in the Bronx, and that Puerto Rico is actually part of the United States. To which Sessions reportedly responded, "Really? ¡Qué increíble!"