The White House Office of Rhetoric and Empty Promises issued the following statement for Tuesday, July 28th, 2009:
"On this day, a day like any other day in our free and racially equal land where things like a man's birth place and skin color don't matter, especially when he cannot produce a birth certificate, a new birth of freedom and mandate for change will take place."
"The sun will rise in the east (unless it feels like accepting change itself and decides to rise in the north, which would be okay) and warm the heart and souls of a free American people who contain so much liberty and so many Government programs that they are ready to remove the oppressive chains of free speech, free press, free enterprise, freedom of religion, and the freedom to bear arms."
"Early this morning, children everywhere will huddle in front of their television sets to watch approved educational programming where they will learn that those who live alternate lifestyles are more free than they and deserve our accolades and worship for throwing off the outdated cultural and moral normatives defined as sin by the outmoded churches attended by their parents and grandparents. These same children will learn that their parents who have gone to work are taking advantage of those who choose to avoid education, birth control, and gainful employment by putting a stigma on them."
"Today, during that wonderfully changed educational television programming, our children will be introduced to a new club called the Obama Youth For Change. A membership card and tan uniform will be issued to all children (these may be picked up at your local ACORN branch) and they will learn how to do the club's official funny walk (performed while holding the right arm straight out and looking at a picture of Club President Barack Obama."
"Children will also learn the value of reporting that Mommy and Daddy have more than two television sets and should share with those who would otherwise have to steal one, reporting that Mommy and Daddy had evil McCain stickers on their cars, and reporting that Mommy and Daddy have a picture of Jesus in the living room and put up a nativity scene at Christmas time."
"Good children who report these findings will see a change as they will be issued new parents and will not have to observe bed time or go to school ever again."
"Children will also learn that the only purpose of school is to be mean and make you learn things like reading the Consistution and understanding your rights. As Herr Fuhrer Obama will protect and defend all of his children and their rights, learning this is redundant and stupid."
This daily Press release was written and issued by Thomas Craig, the newest employee of the White House Office of Rhetoric and Empty Promises, who is also the World Champion Fudge Packer.