Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: White House, Beer

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

image for President Barack Obama's White House Beer Party
The White House, scene of The Obama, Gates, Crowley Beer Party.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., and Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department to partake in a good-old fashioned, good ol' boy, "Beer Party."

A White House spokesperson stated that the president wanted to help patch things up between Professor Gates and Sgt. Crowley and so he agreed to host the booze bash. He provided the beer, Crowley brought the pretzels, and Gates brought the beer nuts.

Chief Secret Service Agent Laramie Cobalt asked that Sgt. Crowley please leave his police pistol locked in the trunk of his squad car.

He also asked that Crowley do the same with his police badge, his handcuffs, and his can of pepper spray.

Crowley asked if he could keep his taser and Cobalt said that it would not be a good idea as Mr. Gates would probably become somewhat uncomfortable and there was no need to bring back any bad memories of his house incident.

Sgt. Crowley said that he understood. He was somewhat disappointed that he was not allowed to bring his K-9 police dog, Attila The Hun, but he understood.

A reporter for The Pittsburgh Post Witnesser, Norah Zumwalt asked Agent Cobalt if anyone else had been invited to the "Beer Party."

"No ma'am. It'll just be Henry, James, and of course Barry."

"No women?"

"No comment."

"No comment? What do you mean, no comment?"

"Just what I said, no comment."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Security. This is White House Chief Secret Service Agent Cobalt. Send three agents to the Rose Garden ASAP, and bring Psycho the guard dog."

"Yes sir. Right away sir."

"Any more questions Miss Zumwalt?"

The agents arrived within 3 seconds and one of them Agent Kyle Chainmeister asked Miss Zumwalt to please leave the White House premises.

She said that she did not think that she needed to leave.

Agent Chainmeister asked again.

And again Miss Zumwalt said that she was fine where she was at and for him to stop harassing her.

Chainmeister reached down and took the leash off of Psycho.

Within a micro-second Psycho jumped on Miss Zumwalt and tore off the top part of her blouse revealing a beige 36-A Wonder Bra.

She screamed that she was ready to leave now and Chainmeister called Psycho off. Psycho quickly spit out the piece of blouse that he had in his mouth and moved away from Miss Zumwalt.

One of the White House maids Shantell Shackleford handed Miss Zumwalt a Kleenex tissue.

Zumwalt told him that she was going to report him to the president and tell him what had transpired. Chainmeister told her not to bother because the entire incident had been recorded and he would be showing the president the tape during the beer party.

Miss Zumwalt left hurriedly holding her tattered blouse and muttering obscenities under her breath about both Psycho and Cobalt.

When the guests of honor had first arrived they were personally greeted by the president. Professor Gates arrived in his 2009 Lexus and Sgt. Crowley in his 2006 CPD patrol car. President Obama greeted Gates first. He then handed Joe (Biden) the keys and told him to park Gates' car around the back.

He then walked over to Crowley's police car and he shook Crowley's hand and asked him to please turn off the red flashing lights and his siren. He said that Malia and Sasha were already in bed asleep.

Crowley apologized and did as the president instructed.

The president then handed Biden the keys and told him to drive Crowley's police car around to the back as well.

Joe was thrilled and he was grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Hey Joe." The president said.

"Yes sir, Mr. President.

"And don't you be turning on the flashing lights and hitting the siren ya hear?"

"Yes sir."

The president, Gates, and Crowley then all went inside to the presidential living room. They watched a little bit of the presidential inauguration ceremonies.

And then Novella Largartos, one of the White House maids, brought out a food and drink cart.

She handed the president a bowl of pretzels and a bottle of Bud Light Beer. She then handed Sgt. Crowley a bowl of beer nuts and a bottle of Blue Moon Beer, and she handed Gates a Lowenbrau and a bowl of sunflower seeds.

"Why am I last?" Gates asked.

"Because I handed them out alphabetically." Largartos answered.

"B-C-G...Barry, Crowley, and then you, Gates."

"Oh, okay."

The TV was turned off. The lights were dimmed and the White House custodian brought in the temporary dancer's pole. He and an assistant quickly assembled it and Novella hit the iPod player.

The song "Hey Big Spender" started playing. And from the side came out a woman who was voted The 2009 Top Pole Dancer in The Northern Hemisphere.

Carrie Piffleport, a stunningly beautiful 23-year-old blonde from Chattanooga, Tennessee (42-24-38) began her dance routine.

The secret service agents had made sure that the two door entrances to the room were both locked. After she finished her song, Carrie went off to the side and sat down on a sofa.

Agent Cobalt walked over to her and asked her how many dollar bills she had gotten. She said that she counted 37 one dollar bills plus an IOU for $10.

After two more dance numbers the White House "Beer Party" ended. The president said that he had to turn in because he had to get up at 5 a.m. to have a breakfast meeting with San Antonio Spurs Coach Greg Popovich concerning an upcoming charity basketball game.

He thanked Professor Gates and gave him a fist-bump . He then turned to Sgt. Crowley, thanked him and also gave him a fist-bump. He then whispered in Crowley's ear to please not turn on his flashing lights and siren.

Crowley smiled and said, "Yo."

"Excuse me?" The president remarked.

"Sorry sir, I meant to say 'yes sir.'

"That's what I was thinkin'."

SIDENOTE: As the president was walking Gates and Crowley out to their cars, he paused for a moment and softly whispered, "And my fellow beer drinkin' bros, lets all remember that what happens in the White House, stays in the White House."

"Yes sir."

"Yes sir."

"Good. That's what I'm talkin' about. Drive safely.

And buenas nachos y'all."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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