Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Navy, North Carolina

Thursday, 30 July 2009

image for ESPN To Telecast The 1st Annual Battleship Race
The USS New Mexico, one of the battleships that will be participating in The 1st Annual Battleship Race.

CAPE HATTERAS, North Carolina - The Department of the Navy has just stated that they will be having their 1st Annual Battleship Race down at The Sheriff Andy Taylor Commemorative Docks in Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

Rear Admiral Conor Corncutter said that the idea behind the battleship race is to instill in Americans of all ages a new found sense of pride in our country.

He added that it will also help to increase naval enlistment numbers which have been steadily dropping. The event will also bring a lot of tourism dollars to the economically floundering North Carolina economy.

There will be four battleships participating in the event; The USS New Mexico, The USS Massachusetts, The USS Mississippi, and The USS Utah.

The 270 mile race will start at the Piers Morgan Pier in Cape Hatteras, North Carolina and it will end at the Jim Bowie Buoy in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Veteran fishing show commentators Lance "Tackle Box" Whitewindsor and Scorpio "Plastic Worm" McFiddle will be providing the play-by-play color commentary.

The two veteran commentators will be reporting from the decks of the naval destroyer The USS Hurricane Hank which will be escorting the four battleships.

Admiral Corncutter was asked about the rumor that there may be a North Korean two-man submarine lurking about that could pose somewhat of a danger.

The admiral smiled and said that he does not see any problem with the North Korean two-man sub. He stated that in comparison it would be like a baby mosquito biting an adult elephant.

The admiral did stress that the nuclear powered, state-of-the-art American submarine The USS Piranha will also be accompanying the American flotilla and should it happen to see the North Korean two-man submarine it will blow it out of the water faster than the Fox Network cancelled the TV show The Osbournes: Reloaded (after just one airing).

Play-by-play commentator McFiddle recently became engaged to one of the top female sports announcers in the United States. She was born and raised in Picayune, Louisiana and her name is Sydney "Spinnerbait" Skoob (no relation to the wonderful Spoofer Skoob family of Portsmouth, England).

The extremely popular and stunningly attractive Sydney Skoob will be reporting and conducting live interviews with the captains of the four battleships.

Sydney has recently put out her own line of designer wading fishing boots called Sydney's One-Size-Fits-All Mississippi Delta Designer Wading Fishing Boots.

She also has her own line of fishing brassieres which are sold at most Victoria's Secret Stores under the name Sydney's BamBoobarino's of The Bountiful Bayou Bras. These bras are especially useful because each one comes with its own special patented flotation device apparatus.

Sponsors for the First Annual Battleship Race include Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice, Starkist - Chicken of The Sea Tuna, Gorton's Fish Sticks, and Tide Detergent.



In other news. Reports are coming in that North Korea has captured a South Korean fishing boat. Elsewhere, Iceland captured a Danish kayak, Cambodia captured a Peruvian canoe, and Sea-World of San Antonio reported that overnight someone broke into the amusement water park and stole an inner tube belonging to one of the performing dolphins.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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