GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Taylor Lautner, 17, experienced a bit of culture shock today when he flew to Grand Rapids, Michigan to participate in the Goodland Dairy-sponsored First Annual North American Indian Leg Wrestling Tournament.
Lautner, who claims scant Ottawa and Potawatomi Native American ancestry on his mother's side, took a break from the set of New Moon, flying in for the embarrassing event expecting "traditional" Indian leg wrestling - and technically, that's exactly what he got.
Not to be confused with what some say would be more appropriately termed Native American leg wrestling, traditional Indian leg wrestling is completely different because the participants must wear a traditional Indian dhoti, emblazon their foreheads with a single dot to signify the importance of the event, recite several verses from the Bhagavad Gita, and the loser is liberally coated with a savory curry paste.
The winner gets to hang out in the pasture out back, spending some quality time with the dairy cows.
Lautner also discovered that, according to his weight classification, he would be wrestling the man with the world's largest penis. Unfazed, the "teen tanker" reportedly said, "I don't want to sound too cocky, but I'm gonna show everybody this stiff... is really just a big softie."
The masculine minor struggled valiantly, though his inexperience was evident from the very beginning as he wrestled awkwardly to subdue his resisting dhoti; nevertheless, he finally outsmarted the stubborn, clever, rectangular piece of unstitched cloth, wrapping it around his waist and legs, knotting it at the waist as per regulations.
Then, they assumed their respective positions on the floor; according to witnesses, the referee had just counted, "One... two... " when someone in the audience yelled out:
... just as "Three!" was called.
The master of martial arts who normally possesses nerves of steel and an iron concentration, later explained it was "the unexpectedness" of the outburst that interrupted his thoughts.
Seeing his opportunity, the man with the world's largest penis hooked his heel just inside Lautner's and, with one tremendous thrust, sent the actor cartwheeling wildly toward the audience, vein-laden arms flailing as he collided with several folding chairs, their evacuees still hurriedly darting for cover as Lautner began to shout at the incredible pain of a groin injury he had sustained just moments before.
Several eyewitnesses indicated a match win for Lautner likely would have been overturned, anyway: He was reportedly seen scarfing several double cheeseburgers at a MacWhopper's just before the match, clearly in violation of the contest's substance abuse policy.
Fortunately, this information was not revealed in time to halt Lautner's regulation slathering with unbelievably hot curry paste despite agonizing cries of protest as he nursed his throbbing groin.