Written by matwil
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Friday, 24 July 2009

image for Basil Fawlty replaces Barack Obama as American President
The correct flag of America

After months as President of the USA without doing a single thing for the American people, Barack Obama was sacked today, and his place was taken by comic character Basil Fawlty, played by John Cleese.

'Right!', he said, as he went into the White House, 'where is Sybil? And the head of that moose Sarah Palin shot needs putting up on the wall. Manuel? Would you believe it, the one time I need him he's not here. Ah, Polly', he said, to that Danish beauty, 'you'll have to be Secretary of State.'

'What about Mrs. Clinton?' 'That airjetting puff adder? She's out.' 'Out?' 'Yes, you know, O. U. T., out! As Barack Obama was of ideas, no wonder they fired him. A President to actually do something as President is probably a novelty for these Yankee idiots, but there's a first time for everything.'

[Phone rings, Fawlty answers] 'Hello, Fawlty Whitehouses. Ah, Mr. O'Reilly, when I said I wanted wars ending in the Middle East by next January, I didn't mean I wanted you sitting around drinking tea, and making excuses about it 'being not as easy as I thought'.'

'No, I don't care if it's Sunday. Go to Iraq, tell the troops there to pack their bags and leave. What? I suppose you postponing telling them has something to do with the potato famine. Either go and tell the troops to come back home, or I'll take this waxwork of a drunken chimpanzee pretending to be a President, and -'

[Polly runs into The White House lobby] 'Mr. Fawlty! Mrs. Fawlty's here! She wants to be US Secretary of State!', and Sybil stormed into the building. 'Why is Polly Secretary of State, Basil?' 'Ah, hello dear, you look nice.' 'Basil! Why aren't I jetting round the world and having endless hairdos and holidays? And when are you getting Sarah Palin's moose up on the wall?'

'Er -' 'Get that moose up, and get those pointless wars in the Middle East stopped!' 'I just told O'Reilly to -' 'That half-witted Irish idiot? Moose, wars, Secretary of State. Now I'm going to Atlanta for a round of golf, and if it isn't all sorted by the time I come back, you'll wish you were Barack Obama.'

'He has a nice quiet girl of a wife, but I'll make your life a misery for the next hundred years if you don't get on getting things done!', and with that she left the building.

At that point the waiter Manuel appeared. 'You called, senor? Deed you want me to arrange another cover-up about 9/11? Or about John F. Kennedy?' 'It would have been quicker to train a baboon as a waiter here, or even as a President, but never mind.'

'You see that moose's head over there? Take any Senator out of the Senate here, and use it to hammer a nail in the wall, as Senators don't do anything else to justify their existence. And if Mrs. Fawlty phones, tell her I'm ending the pointless wars in the Middle East, and taking bribes from Polly to keep her on as Sec.'

'Que?' 'Do I have to go through this every time? Pointless wars end. Polly still Sec.' 'Si.' 'Good.' [Clouts Manuel around the head. Major McGowan wanders in] 'Evening, Fawlty!' 'Evening, major.' 'Any sign of the end of those pointless wars yet?'

'No, I'm getting this moose up on the wall first.' 'Where have all those American troops gone? If they're fighting for the richest country in the world against a Third World one armed with peashooters, shouldn't they have won and come home by now?'

'I don't know, major.' 'I expect all those thousands will turn up somewhere. Maybe they're in the garden, losing wars to dandelions. Well, even flowers could beat the USA in a war, couldn't they? I wouldn't want dandelions fighting my earthworms for me ...', and he wandered out of The White House, muttering to himself about dandelions.

[Former President Barack Obama walks into his former house] 'Ah, Mister Obama', said Fawlty 'PRESIDENT! Er, President O, er, bama. What can I do for you?' 'I'd like a room here for the night, please.' 'Certainly, certainly.' 'I'd like lots of filet mignon steaks, all washed down with lots of screwdrivers, and lots of early morning mentions of skin pigmentations.'

'And as for pointless wars, they stay, gives me lots of fun watching CNN, seeing 'the troops' losing war after war to please Britain and France.' 'Anything else? This is now my, in fact, house, if I may point it out.' 'Yes, I'd like to find a country in the world with more ridiculous leaders than the United States of America.'

'Sorry, can't do that for you. Since 1946 every American President might as well be me, it's become a worldwide comedy watching more and more idiotic Americans being elected.'

'Are you calling me an idiot?' 'No, no, no, certainly not. Just someone who would never become President of any other country in the world than America. Well, other ones are usually adult ones, and don't need figureheads to look up to and elect.' 'You're saying that the United States of America is a nation of children?'

'Ah, Manuel, take Mr. - President! - Obama up to room zero.' 'Que?' 'Room zero. Somewhere he can sit and daydream about anyone being interested in the once admired USA any more. Reduced to electing token powerless nobodies, that have about as much power as I do.'

'Si.' 'And if Sybil calls, I'm running the USA, something any child from the UK could do, if they were interested in such a boring idea.' 'OK.'

[Classical string music plays as credits roll]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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