(AP) - Washington-In an announcement that took some by surprise, the Obama Administration will permit the radical Muslim terror group to open recruiting stations across the U.S. Saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer," President Barak Obama said his decision came after a few minutes of contemplation. "I'm just continuing my policy of reaching out to the Muslim world for better relations and understanding" the President said, "It's really a win/win situation and I think the average American view of El Quida is greatly exaggerated."
Congressional reaction was mixed. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) simply said "Cool man, cool, while outspoken Congressman John Murtha's (D-PA) reaction was more to the point. "Is he f*****g nuts?" No Republicans returned calls from the Associated Press. The group has often been critical of Israel but Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu seemed conciliatory, "Lets take a wait and see attitude," he said. "Maybe they are really nice guys and gals. I say Shalom to all of them."
The U.S. operation of El Quida will be run by a newly formed corporation EQUSA Inc, (NYSE-BOOM). Under the plan hammered out with the Obama Administration the U.S. unit will be run only by disgraced former Wall Street executives. No foreign nationals will be allowed in executive positions. "We think this will give a huge boost to the current unemployment crisis, plus those unfortunate executives and El Quida think alike on many things, "noted the President, "It's really an untapped brain trust." The President also stressed only Americans will be allowed to run the 155 recruiting stations. "This will employ 2,500 to 3,000 out of work citizens, but if they 'don't get it' EQUSA will be allowed to use foreign workers, but we don't think that will be necessary," Mr. Obama added.
Janet Napolitano, Director of Homeland Security explained further. "This opportunity arose because of a loophole in the Patriot Act which allows anyone regardless of their motives to rent property owned by the Mormon Church." EQUSA recruiting centers will be located in the 155 stores closed by Circuit City. The "Wall Street Journal" recently reported that Mormon based investment groups were buying the shuttered stores, but offered no reason why.
When asked for details of the "loophole," she replied, "I don't have a clue, but I heard about it standing in line at Starbucks. Those Starbucks customers are really in the know not like the jerks who come to Dunkin' Doughnuts. Let me tell you they are all jerks, everyone of them. Do you really expect me to know every trivial part of the Patriot Act?" Napolitano was recruited for her $193,300 a year job while a counter clerk at Dunkin' Doughnuts by President Obama where he is often a customer.
When asked just what the recruiting stations will do, EQUSA CEO Richard S. Fuld, Jr., disgraced head of Lehman Brothers, said, "Well it's pretty simple. They'll hand out recruiting pamphlets to young people, make speaking engagements with local schools, sort of like the Boy Scouts." He added, "EQUSA is also real eager to teach the youth of America how to handle automatic weapons and make explosive devices at home. While all kids think that's fun, it's a tragic omission from our schools, so we're eager to help."
Upon hearing the news, "National Rife Association President Wayne LaPierre was ecstatic, "Great," he exclaimed," Any group that's willing to teach a six year old how to fire a machine gun is aces with me. I don't care what they stand for. All I can say is Go baby, go!"
By Howard Cronkite Jr., AP Summer Intern Washington reporter.
The Following Associated Press Summer interns also contributed to this story: Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Corky Couric, Taco Rivera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams