The Los Angeles County Coroner announced Wednesday that he now could state how Michael Jackson died:
"Michael Jackson died because his heart stopped beating," the coroner told reporters. "The mystery has been solved. Speculation must end now. Everybody dies when their hearts stop beating," he concluded.
Most of the journalists at the news conference seemed satisfied by the coroner's report. However, TheSpoof.com's ace reporter, Ventura Highway, pressed the coroner for further details. "OK, his heart stopped beating. What caused his heart to stop beating," asked Highway.
"Any number of things may have caused the cardiac arrest," the coroner stated. "But that is not at issue. The issue is what caused his death. As I said, he died because his heart stopped pumping blood."
Dr. Henry Lee, the famous criminalist, agreed with the coroner's report. "I am compweetwy satisfied. Mr. Jackson died when his heart ceased to beat. The mystery is solved."
"Yes, but why? Was it drugs, murder--what killed him," Ventura Highway asked.
"What part of 'his heart stopped beating,' didn't you understand, you stupid cow," Dr. Lee answered with a question of his own. "The prissant is dead; that is what matters."
Jackson's family has requested a third autopsy be performed on the King of Pop's body but have run up against a snag. "Nothing is left of his body but his vagina," Janet Jackson told reporters.