Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 22 July 2009

image for Chef Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen's Three-Ring Food Circus
Red Team cooking team member Majestica Zwicky accidentally burning a pan of baby carrots.

HOLLYWOOD - The F Network's cooking competition reality show, Hell's Kitchen has now become more popular than WWF, WCW, and WWE wrestling combined.

The show's Naziesque host Chef Gordon Ramsay makes American Idol's Simon Cowell look like a little Girl Scout trying to earn her peanut butter and jelly sandwich-making patch.

Ramsay who has the volatile temper of the NBA's Rasheed Wallace, Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban, and retired NCAA basketball coach Bobby Knight all rolled into one has got to have the highest blood pressure on the face of the earth.

The English chef yells obscenities at the cooking members of the 'red team' and the 'blue team' that are 'bleep censored' and 'visually pixelated' to mask the profound profanity that emanates from Ramsay's pottyesque mouth.

Chef Ramsay screams, shouts, hollers, pushes, slaps, and kicks his cooking players. And all the while the sheepish folks (men and women) tell the culinary tyrant that they are sorry and even apologize to the dictator of dietary delight for basically being kitchenly challenged.

In the latest edition, one of the players, Majestica Zwicky, accidentally burned a pan of baby carrots.

The sultan of sweet and sour savory scrumptiousness walked up to her and started screaming at the top of his lungs. He kept asking her if she was stupid, or if she was acting stupid, or if she had been born stupid.

Zwicky did not reply. Gordon hollered at her asking if she could hear him and suddenly Zwicky fainted. Sir Gordon, the nasty-mouthed knight of noble nutritiousness was not able to catch her since he was holding an adult lobster in his hands.

Miss Zwicky hit the floor and Ramsay quickly told one of the other players to bring him a pan of chicken broth that was on the stove. He told one of the other players to quickly put a dozen ice cubes in the pan of chicken broth.

He then bent down to where Zwicky was laying on the kitchen floor and he proceeded to put ice cubes, one at a time, up into her nostrils. The other players all made a collective owwwww sound.

The volatile valet of vile vulgarisms hollered at them to all get back to work. He yelled that this was a kitchen, not a circus. One of the players softly remarked, "Oh but it is a circus, a damn three ring circus as*hole."

Chef Ramsay yelled out, "Okay which of you b*itches, or b*astards said that!?"

No one answered.

"Okay, that's it. Baloney sandwiches for each one of you tonight. And instead of iced tea, you will be given watered-down lint water."

Majestica Zwicky soon came to.

"Are you alright dear?" Ramsay asked.

"Yes, I think I'm fine."

"Are you sure sweety?"

"Yes, I feel a little tired, but I'm good. And thank you for asking."

"Good, now get back into the friggin' kitchen you low-life, poor excuse for a cook and if you ever burn anything again, I don't care if it's a charcoal briquette, I will personally kick you like you're a football and I'm the kicker kicking a game-winning, no time left on the freakin' clock, 50-yard field goal!"

"Yes master...I mean chef."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I am wondering how much longer before some black gal or black guy loses his or her temper and jumps all over Chef Gordon Ramsay literally knocking the everlivin' Stove Top Stuffing out of this arrogant, pompous, sarcastic, Nazi-like, mofoing, sumbitch's ass!]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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