Written by Andy Youtz
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Tuesday, 21 July 2009

image for Sotomayor Admits to Lobotomy

Judge Sonia Sotomayor admitted today to having submitted to a partial lobotomy in preparation for the Senate confirmation hearings last week. The operation performed at the behest of the White House took place in an outpatient clinic in the Bronx. Unlike the images from the film One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest the new, albeit controversial, procedure involves pinpointing the location in the frontal lobe that controls a particular aspect of awareness. In Sotomayor's case surgeons were able to zero in on the area that can cause you to react emotionally to really stupid questions.

"It was amazing", said Sotomayor "I was able to sit there and listen to that moron [Senator Jeff] Sessions pontificate endlessly about the impropriety of my wise Latina remark and it had no effect on me. He may as well have been reading recipes for creamed spinach." Asked whether she regretted getting the irreversible procedure she responded "It left all my other cognitive abilities intact and besides, you know they don't want to have anyone on the court with a fully functional personality."

When asked if she was worried that it would impede her ability to serve effectively assuming she is ultimately confirmed she replied "Are you kidding? Look at the other justices. Show me someone who doesn't act a little like a zombie." The senate confirmation vote is expected to proceed without filibuster sometime in August.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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