MANHATTAN, New York - After years of mounting speculation, it is now official that GOP mouthpieces, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are indeed biological brothers.
Vigoroso "Parmesan Pete" Petaluchi who is the owner of the Brooklyn-based I See Youse, But Youse Don't See Me Private Investigation Agency said that he has conclusive proof that Limbaugh and Beck are biological brothers.
Petaluchi has in his possession copies of the actual birth certificates for both men. Beck was born in Mount Vernon, New York. And his mother's name is listed as Doreen Moxleymeister.
Limbaugh was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. And on his birth certificate his mother is listed as Doreen Moxleymeister...the same Doreen Moxleymeister as the one listed on Beck's birth certificate.
And although both men staunchly deny that they are brothers, a very reliable source reveals that both men do attend Thanksgiving dinner at their mom's two bedroom home in Norfolk, Virginia every year.
President Obama was asked by CNN's Anderson Cooper what he thought about this new revelation that Limbaugh and Beck are actually biological brothers.
"Oh, I knew that already. In fact Anderson, fundamentally, I knew about that over a year ago."
"Really Mr. President."
"Yes. Now Andy you have to remember that the president of the United States knows a lot of things that the average person does not know.
For example I know that your mama, the lovely, charming, and rich Gloria Vanderbilt not only made millions and millions of dollars with her designer line of Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans, but she also made millions and millions of dollars with her designer line of Cameltoe Brand Burkas, which were sold exclusively in the Middle East."
"You're absolutely right Mr. President."
"Friggin' A, I'm right. And that is why Andy?"
"That is because you sir are the president."
"That is right my good-lookin' little white bro.
And since I be the president, I guaran F'in tee ya that I be knowing a whole lotta shit, excuse my euphemism Andy, that most Americans do not know."
"Mr. President. Sir you are certainly one smart white chocolate chip cookie."
"Ah...is that some kind of racist remark, Mr. Cooper?"
"No sir. Not at all. In fact it is a compliment."
"Okay, that's what I be thinkin' it was. Oh and don't forget, the 'first mama' Michelle and I want you to come over for a good old-fashioned buffalo wings barbecue next Friday."
"Thank you sir. I will be there."
"And will Mr. Anderson Cooper CNN 360 be bringing along a date?"
"That cute little sub-anchor Erica Hill?"
"Ah, no comment Mr. President."
In news coming out of the Dark Continent. The African Council on Animal Bites has noted that 95 percent of all lion bites in Kenya involve Kenyan men. The council concluded that this is due to the fact that Kenyan women are just much faster runners.