Written by Andy Lam
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Topics: Scientists, Army

Monday, 12 July 2004

image for Dog Urine Found to be "Secret" Ingredient in Many Popular Soft Drinks
Happy go lucky Mustard

Frederick, MD - Scientists at the US Army's Fort Detrick research facility today issued a report which contained some shocking news for soft drink lovers around the world. According to the study, "Mass Spectrographic Analysis of Non-alcoholic Carbonated Beverages", dog urine is among the unlisted ingredients in many well-known sodas.

"We were stunned when we analyzed the results" said John Frink, Science and Technology Director of the U.S. Army Center for Environmental Health Research (USACEHR), which undertook the research. "It seemed simply inconceivable that dog urine could form so high a percentage of so many popular soft drinks; but when we approached representatives of several of the companies with our findings they only questioned the relevance of our findings."

Because of the nature of the USACHER's research, the names of the companies and the specific soft drink brands, as well as the percentage of dog urine in each brand, will not be made public at this time.

Independent Presidential candidate Ralph Nader, a well-known consumer advocate, seems poised to adopt this as a pet issue for his campaign. "I have built my career on keeping unsafe products out of the hands - or in this case mouths - of the American public. While I often find little common ground with the US military, I share Professor Frink's disgust and will be exerting every effort to make the full contents of this report public. I encourage everyone to learn more about my ‘No Dog Pee for Me' initiative. Together, we can make a difference."

"Soft drinks have been a part of American life for over one hundred years," said John Cahill, chairman of the National Soft Drink Association and chairman and CEO of the Pepsi Bottling Group, Inc. "We dispute the government's claims and continue to encourage families to share some smiles and quality time together over a glass, can or bottle of a delicious soft drink."

Dr. Richard Adamson, vice president for scientific and technical affairs for the National Soft Drink Association and former scientific director at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) was able to shed some additional light on the situation. "I am not saying that the government is correct," began Dr. Adamson, "but if there were a small quantity of dog urine - hypothetically speaking - in a beverage, would it make said beverage any less delicious? Based on over forty years of data, I think not."

"I've been drinking soda my entire life," said Ernie Balfour, a coffee truck operator who sets up each day near Fort Detrick. "I love it, my customers love it, hell, my kids love it, and so what's the problem? Would I stop drinking it if this were true? Frankly, probably not - why bother?"

This sentiment was echoed by Ed Sayres, the president of the ASPCA, "I don't have a problem with dog urine per se. As you may know, dogs are very clean animals. My only concern is that any dogs providing urine for the beverage industry not be exploited. That's where I come down on this whole thing."

"Aimee" who asked that her real name not be used was able to recount her experiences in this regard. Aimee is the human companion of Mustard, a 12 year old collie bitch. "I've been harvesting Mustard's urine for something going on eight years now," said Aimee, "and both she and I have been taken care of very well."

Mustard, for her part, seemed content to have her ears rubbed, and at the end of the day, can you ask for anything more?

"We stand behind our results," concluded Dr. Frink, "but agree that , given the deliciousness of soda, the industry and the government should leave well enough alone."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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