HOLLYWOOD - An assistant to one of the producers of American Idol has stated that Paula Abdul will not be back for a ninth season of American Idol.
Colleen Schembechler, 29, said that Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Kara DioGuardi have all been given contracts but Ms. Abdul has not.
Schembechler made it very clear that the reason they hired DioGuardi was because the show's executives already knew that Paula was on the way out.
They said that Paula had become extremely difficult. Last year she was constantly complaining about being in constant pain. She said that everything hurt, her head, her neck, her chest, her arms. And her legs, her feet, her ankles, and her G-spot.
Then this year she insisted that the American Idol producers provide her with her own personal hair stylist, makeup artist, masseuse, manicurist, pedicurist, Brazilian wax waxer, and proctologist.
The show's producer Orland Pawlenty said that they had agreed to provide her with her own hair stylist, makeup artist, masseuse, pedicurist, Brazilian wax waxer, and proctologist, but that they had to draw the line at hiring her own manicurist.
Ms. Abdul was apparently so angry that she grabbed some sheet music and tore it into dozens of pieces. She then screamed at Pawlenty how come (Simon) Cowell gets to have his own personal eyebrow plucker, lip outliner, chest hair comber, and lap dancer.
Pawlenty replied because Simon is a man. Paula yelled back "So what!"
"Ah, Paula, do you want Fifi (the lap dance girl) to give you a lap dance?"
"Well then I will thank you to shut the F up, okay."
"No...not okay you skinny, little muscle-less twit."
"Ex-Laker's girl bitch!"
Just then Randy Jackson walked in and said, "Hey dawgs, what's up?"
Pawlenty replied that Ms. Abdul was being very difficult.
"Hey Paula, my main dawg, what's chappin' your butt?"
"Shut up Randy. And don't you be calling me a dawg. Don't you know that a female dawg is a bitch?"
Pawlenty chimed in. "I rest my FRIGGIN' case!"
At that moment Simon Cowell walked in and said, "Hi Paula, and how is my favorite little female dawg doin' today?"
"Oh Simon, why don't you just shut up and fly your ass back to London, and take your sarcastic, arrogant, mean Cockney mouth with you."
"Oops, looks like to me that someone needs a Midol..."
"That's it. I quit. I don't need American Idol. I can go to England and be a judge on Britain's Got Talent."
In a related story. Richard Simmons has just signed to star in the MGM movie, The Story of Michael Jackson - The When Michael Was Black Years. It is still being kept hush-hush, but a quasi-reliable source has said that Simmons will be playing the part of LaToya Jackson.