Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 17 July 2009

image for Wow! Kari Callen - America's Got Talent's Answer To Susan Boyle
The cruise ship SS Chicken of The Sea, who's captain denied Kari Callen a singing opportunity.

LOS ANGELES - Her name is Kari Callen. She wore a red sweater, blue jeans, and flip flops, but the 43-year-old lady from Seattle literally knocked every one's socks off.

And she quickly showed that she is the American version of England's Susan Boyle. And interestingly enough, both women have an n in their name, which stands for 'natural.'

Kari Callen was born with a bio-lateral lip cleft and palate, but that has not stopped her from wanting America and the world to hear her fabulous singing voice.

Callen like Boyle is a mature woman. Like Boyle, she also has never had a boyfriend or even been in a relationship.

And Kari, just like Susan, loves M&M's, especially the blue ones. She rarely goes to the hair stylist and she is still waiting for her first kiss.

She smiles and says that she has saved thousands of dollars on makeup. The only time she goes out is when she needs to buy things like food, Diet Pepsi, and Kraft Cheese Slices, which she says she melts on top of Oreo Cookies.

Callen has never had singing lessons and she adds that she learned how to sing by listening to Amy Winehouse records.

"What I did" she says shyly "was just sing exactly the opposite of Ms. Winehouse. And it worked. Now I am not saying anything bad about Amy's singing, I am just saying that my singing is exactly the opposite of hers."

Kari sang the song "There's A Place For Us." And America will certainly find a place in its heart for this extremely talented gal with a fabulously pure voice. The Seattle native could have an orange tree growing out of her left ear and it would not matter.

When Kari hit her first few notes, Judge David Hasselhoff fell out of his chair. He said that it was a first (well at least on television anyway, but we won't go there).

The Hoff said that he was so mesmerized by her voice that he did not notice until the end of the song that he had completely eaten his yellow #2 pencil.

Sharon Osbourne said that Kari was so amazing that listening to her sing gave her goose bumps all over her body. And then she added that her goose bumps had goose bumps on top of them.

The third judge Piers Morgan said that he had noticed that both of Sharon's nip*les even had goose bumps.

Hasselhoff said that he had noticed the nipplets (nip bumps) as well but that he had chosen not to say anything since him and Sharon's husband, Ozzy are real good friends and fishing buddies.

Morgan looked over to Hasselhoff and asked him if he could understand Ozzy when he talks.

"Not a damn word." Replied the Hoff.

Morgan asked Kari if she had ever auditioned before. She told him that she had gotten on a cruise ship in hopes of being hired to perform on the ship.

She said that when the ship's captain took one look at her he told her that he did not have a singing job for her, but that he would hire her as a cleaning woman at minimum wage.

Morgan replied that the way things are looking for Miss Kari Callen, she may very well one day, be able to buy that damn cruise ship, and hopefully her first act will be to fire that insensitive piece-of-shit captain.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: If you go to Wikipedia and type in the name Kari Callen, the site will ask you "Did you mean Carl Caleb?" Well...not for long I guarantee].

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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