ST. LOUIS - St. Louis Cardinals superstar Albert Pujols told the president of the United States not to quit his day job after the president threw out Major League Baseball's All-Star game's ceremonial first pitch.
President Obama trotted out to the mound after being introduced to St. Louis legend Stan Musial, Dallas Cowboy hall of famer Roger Staubach, Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant's sultry wife Vanessa Bryant, foul-mouthed tennis great John McEnroe, and American Idol's arrogantly pompous Simon Cowell.
And before 101,902 screaming fans, the left-handed leader of the country known as America The Beautiful threw a split-fingered fastball that sailed over Albert Pujols (who was behind the plate) and the ball landed in the third row.
Unfortunately the ball hit an elderly, grouchy-looking old fella. One of the secret service agents quickly recognized the old geezer as being the former vice-president Dick Cheney.
St. Louis Cardinal personnel quickly got to Cheney who was sprawled out across box seats 12A, 12B, and 12C. The fan sitting in seat 12D, Leonora Fyleen Lagoon began screaming because she mistook the ketchup from Cheney's hot dog, which had spilled on his nose, ears, and left ankle to be blood.
Cheney was rushed to a Busch Stadium infirmary, underneath the stands, where he was attended to by three doctors, two nurses, a dentist, a proctologist, a gynecologist, and a hot dog vendor, who just happened to saunter in.
Three secret service agents quickly sauntered the hot dog vendor out and into a waiting police car.
One of the nurses Erica Strait (no relation to George Strait) said that when Cheney came to, he kept asking 'who won? who won?' over and over. Finally nurse Strait, who doesn't know diddly squat about baseball said that the Lakers had won.
Cheney got pissed off and yelled at her that just who the hell did she think she was talking to anyway John "Comb Over" McCain or what?
Nurse Erica told him to shut the F up before she took a second thermometer reading and this time it would not be oral.
Cheney told her to kiss his GOP ass. Nurse Erica got in his face and she told him that he could kiss her weapons of mass destruction.
And then she thought about it for a second and said, "Oh I forgot there weren't any-weapons-of-mass-destruction were there little Dicky boy?"
Just then the door opened and in walked President Obama. Cheney tried to stand up and the president told him to stay laying down that he didn't have to honor him by standing up.
Cheney told him that he wasn't getting up to honor him, he was getting up to go to the bathroom.
Obama told him to sit his sorry GOP ass down and to then stand up and show him the proper friggin' respect by saluting him, giving him a high five, a fist bump, and $35 cash.
Cheney did as he was instructed. But he told the president that he only had $27.14; the president smiled and said, "Hey my pale-faced bro, that'll work."
Obama said that he had to get back to the game because he was going to be interviewed by Fox announcers Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.
But before he left he asked Cheney if he wanted anything. Cheney smiled and said that he would like some popcorn and Cracker Jacks just like the song.
The president winked at his chief secret service agent Laramie Cobalt and he told him to be sure and have ex-President George H.W. Bush get the popcorn and Cracker Jacks and bring them to the "Dickster."
SIDENOTE: President Obama, who is a Chicago White Sox fan, bet on the American League to win. The A.L. won and Brobama pocketed a quick $358,000!