WASHINGTON, D.C. - Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor delivered a 7-minute speech aimed primarily at Senate Republicans at a dinner party following Monday's confirmation hearings, declaring that "authenticity to her roots" is at the heart of her culinary philosophy.
Sotomayor's approach was modest and restrained as she addressed Republicans' surprisingly strong criticism of her unfairness in assessing their attempts to prepare "delicious and authentic Latino cuisine" for the event.
"Why... this stuff tastes like it's made in New York City!!" Sotomayor was reported to have said earlier upon biting into an enchilada consisting of ground beef flavored with taco seasoning and black pepper, rolled into flour tortillas, smothered in tomato sauce and Cheez-Wiz, then topped with thick rings of yellow onion and more black pepper. "Oh, I can't wait to do something about this; who told these white boys they could make Mexican food?"
"Unnghh!" the likely-to-be-confirmed Supreme Court Justice added as she bit into her taco shell, cracking it and spilling its contents on her lap as glistening orange grease dribbled down her chin and the underside of her arm, dripping off her elbow.
The so-called "blue plate special" was accompanied by Spanish-style Rice o'Roni, Van Camps homestyle refried beans and bolsitas de "Tia Maria's Authentic Spicy Chicharrones," or fried pork rinds in little plastic bags; many described the food as "an embarrassment."
Republican dinner party planners insisted the meal "came from the heart," and represented their best interpretations of her culinary heritage, then questioned Sotomayor's impartiality in rendering her assessment of their meal.
Nevertheless, Sotomayor showed remarkable restraint in addressing these concerns, promising to "help execute future dinner parties, if confirmed, adhering faithfully to precedents established in both Capitol Building and Latina kitchens.
"After all, politics obviously has no place en la cocina," she added as her gurgling stomach roiled, urging her to cut it short and quickly find a restroom.