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Tuesday, 14 July 2009

image for Health Care Reform Bill to Include a Food Amendment
"I'm Hungry!"

Washington DC: A two decade study of monkeys has found that reducing calories by almost a third slowed their aging and fended off death. Calorie reduction also delays the diseases of aging in primates, namely rhesus monkeys.

Dr. Edward Fujimoto now at the National Health Institute (NHI) has posed the question "what about those other primates, humans, and their more complex bodies?" Dr. Fujimoto was previously with the John Hopkins University and Castle Hill Hospital where he did extensive research into cancer caused by leaving plastic water bottles in hot automobiles and microwaving foods in plastic containers. His various papers have been cited on the Internet (see Snopes etal).

Dr. Fujimoto set up two groups of people, the first group ate a diet that reduced daily caloric intake by almost a third, resulting in an agonizingly hungry, but normal life expectancy for these Americans. The second group ate a diet reducing caloric intake by more than half, resulting in an extremely agonizingly hungry and very skinny, but extremely healthy normal life expectancy for these Americans. Both groups experienced increased sexual activity as a side effect.

Congress seizing on the results of the second group immediately saw how health care costs could be reduced for all Americans. The food amendment to the health care reform bill would require all 300 million Americans to subscribe to a diet of less than 1000 Calories per day.

Wall Street had a cow, as fast food, specialty restaurants, diet/exercise salons, health spas, diet drugs and HMO stocks plunged. Additionally, Jay Leno has stopped telling "fat ass" jokes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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