Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 13 July 2009

image for Kevin Skinner of America's Got Talent Buys A Tractor
Kevin Skinner's old 1973 John Deere tractor which he had nicknamed "Dolly Parton."

MAYFIELD, Kentucky - The ex-chicken catching singing sensation from America's Got Talent Kevin Skinner recently told a reporter for his hometown newspaper The Mayfield Midday Gazette that everywhere he goes people recognize him.

Skinner said that the other day he was at the drive thru window at the local McDonald's and when he looked up after getting the $5.87 for his order he saw the drive thru girl along with the manager, the assistant manager, Ronald McDonald, the fry cook, and a homeless guy all looking at him from the window.

Kevin said that although he was flattered at his new-found attention he was worried that by the time he got his Big Mac, French Fries, and Sprite Soda that the burger and fries would be cold and the soda would be watered down.

McDonald's manager Rufus Bob Clovismill asked Kevin if he wouldn't mind parking his truck and coming into the restaurant and honoring him, his employees, and the thirteen customers with a song or two.

Kevin said that it would be his pleasure. He parked his '87 Ford pickup truck and grabbed his guitar and went inside.

He started off with a Conway Twitty classic "She Was So Gosh Darn Pretty, That I Even Kissed Her Cornfield Weevil Vaccination."

Skinner followed that one with The Sons of The Pioneers Christmas standard "Uncle Buck's Idea Of Putting The Mistletoe In My Britches Wasn't Such A Bad Idea After All."

And the Kentucky crooner ended his three-song McDonald's set with Minnie Pearl's "I Might Not Be As Beautiful As Barbara Mandrell But I Can Sure Flat Out Rustle Me Up A Damn Good Tastin' Batch Of Sumbitch Backwood's Biscuits Faster Than Heck."

After Skinner finished singing, Clovismill had his favorite employee, the 28-year-old bosomy (and very single) Jamie Dot Sippet 'fetch' Kevin a brand new Big Mac and fries and a Sprite in a 44-oz. 'Big Swaller' take out yonder cup.

Kevin thanked everyone, he got in his truck and went off to buy himself a brand new 2009 John Deere Hoing and Tilling Tractor from Honest Hank Bob "Bubba" Brockingworth's John Deere Hoing and Tilling Tractor Dealership where their motto is...

"Oh Hell yeah, you could sure a shootin' go out and buy yourself one of them generic John Doe Tractor's but my good old Kentucky holler friend let me tell ya, ya ain't gonna be gettin' no better fine as Kentucky moonshine wine John Deere Hoin' and Tillin' Tractor I guaran F in' tee ya."


Brockingworth had been in the tractor business for 34 years and he had gotten to where he could not only speak Spanish, but he could also speak a little Norwegian, some Pakistani, and about four words of Mescalero Apache.

The Brockster was a well-liked individual. He even had return customers who would fly in from Mexico City to buy a tractor from him.

He prided himself in saying that he and one of his salesman could both speak damn good Spinach.

Brockingworth even made a local TV commercial in which he opened the spot with the phrase 'Hola mis ombligos."

[WRITER'S NOTE: Brockingworth meant to say 'Hola mis amigos' which means 'Hello my friends.' But instead he actually said 'Hola mis ombligos' which means 'Hello my belly buttons'].

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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