In a surprise press conference today, President George W. Bush announced the nomination of Satan as his judicial nominee for the 4th District in North Carolina.
The move will no doubt raise intense debate within the Judiciary Committee, and vote along strict Party lines. As the majority of the Presidents nominations in 2003 and 2004 have met with stiff resistance, this should prove no less intense a battle.
The Nomination should also prove to be a hot election topic, with Senator Edwards being a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee. "I've never been a supporter of Satan, and I have real concerns that He has a tendency to rule from a far more conservative viewpoint than mainstream America." Senator Edwards, returning from his weekly kelp pack facial and seaweed exfoliate bath, went on to say, "The media is playing up this angle that I have some sort of agenda against the President when blocking his choices for nominees, when nothing could be further from the truth. I don't think that the American people, in these times of War and uncertainty, will feel any better knowing that Satan is holding a seat at the bench in North Carolina.
Attorney General John Ashcroft was on hand for questions at the press conference, and when asked about Satan's history of harsh and extremely cruel punishments when ruling, Ashcroft had this to say, "All that stuff that's being reported about eternal flames and agonizing damnation, is the Liberal media's propaganda and smear campaign, no doubt headed up by certain Senators on the Judiciary Committee who are playing partisan politics with our democratic process."
Satan has been mired in scandal throughout His career as a trial lawyer and later, CEO and President of a large but questionable organization, in which he oversaw temptations and major contract deals. In, Eve v. The Management of The Garden of Eden, Satan was credited with Adam and Eve's being cast out into the world, penniless and humiliated by their previous landlord, while Satan received a king's ransom in earthly goods as payment for services. Later in Jesus Christ v. Satan, there was wide spread speculation that Satan tried to bribe the Son of God with his ill-gotten booty. Satan was cleared of the charges, claiming in court documents that it was not a bribe, but a perfectly legal temptation, that Jesus immediately refused. But his career never recovered the scandal, and He went into the private sector to work for ENRON as Chief Council to Kenneth Lay, the now defunct former CEO of ENRON.
"Satan comes with…unquestionable recommendations (squints while reading)…from Sen. Jesse Helms and Storm Thurmund, and I have complete confident that the Senate Judiciary Committee will give Satan his judiciary hearing post haste." The President was quoted as saying during his nomination speech. "With a record as long and decorated as Satan's, the American people will have complete confident that they have the very best and brightest in every branch of my, their government. (snicker, snicker)
Satan could not be reached for comment, but aides say that He has secluded His family for protection from the media blitz. Aides went on to say that, until the nomination is confirmed, Satan would continue conducting His duties as "Ruler of the Dark Underworld", and remain as primary contract negotiator for the Souls and Eternal Damnation Dept. of His multi-national organization.