Washington, D.C. - Today the National Organization of Women (NOW) joined forces with the organization of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in voicing their dissension, demanding that the Wienermobile be laid to rest with Oscar G. Mayer, one of the original owners of the Oscar Mayer processed meat company and food products baring the same brand name.
"Womyn have been sexually harassed by that mobile metallic phallic symbol of male sexual domination for decades," said a Regina Deloris, spokesperson for the Womyn's Liberation Movement (WIM) a splinter cell of NOW, during a press conference at their headquarters in Washington, D.C. before a room filled with female supporters.
Unlike PETA's position that the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile encourages the eating of animals, promoting an unhealthy diet, it is NOW's position that the Wienermobile has operating under a broader, more sinister agenda all these years.
"Womyn have be culturally condition to repress from expressing their natural love for their fellow sisters. Instead they're encouraged to enter into the inequitable institution of heterosexual marriage by being forced to consume frankfurters all these years at the urging and behest of their husbands and boyfriends," said Deloris for WIM, holding back tears. "When all we secretly desired all this time was a warm deep-dish pizza pie with extra sauce and plenty of anchovies on top."
Instead, women have had to tolerate wienies being shoved in their faces at picnics, church bazaars and the backseats of drive-in movies; sometimes with chilly beans, too, according to WIM.
"On the contrary, the Wienermobile is as much as responsible for creating the Americana and pop culture as the Apple Pie, Coca-Cola and Rock and Roll," counters Roger Cummings, spokesman for a conservative group promoting family values. "The American housewife owes her allegiance to the Wienermobile for introducing her to the convenience of fast-food cooking at home, by serving up baloney sandwich and the hot dog, instead of having her slave over a hot stove, waiting for hours for the TV dinners to thaw out. Remember, this is before the age of the microwave oven, franchised hamburger stands and legalized abortion. In fact, every woman in America should get down on her knees and pay homage to the Wienermobile by picking up a pack of hot dogs today. There's nothing like the sensation of biting down on a thick plump one, with the juices flowing down the sides of your mouth. Try it with a condom -- I mean condiment -- on top! It's delicious!"
"No more!" continued Deloris for WIM to whistles and cheers rising up from the crowd. "Sisters, gather around, for now the time has come for the big weenie to get laid one last time -- laid to rest that is! Only this time, it shall not be placed between a pair of hot buns. Oh, no. Rather, it will be shoved so deep down into a hole in the ground that it will never rise back up again. Do you ladies like the sound of that? Can I get an Amen?"
No response addressing the joint demand of NOW, PETA or WIM has come as of yet from the deceased's surviving family.
"We just got our phones installed in our office," said WIM's spokesperson, Deloris, while eating a sandwich on her lunch brake. "So they could have called. We don't know for sure."