Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 10 July 2009

(New York-NY) "The New York Times" published an editor's note this week stating pictures used in the paper's Sunday Magazine photo essay were digitally manipulated. The pictorial was shot by Portuguese photographer Edgar Martins, and called "Ruins of the Second Gilded Age". It was to capture physical evidence of the real estate bust across the United States. In a related note, in cover story from Adult Video News, adult actor Ron Jeremy also confessed to digital manipulation of a photo were twelve pigeons were perched on his extended member. Jeremy said, "Yeah, it was retouched. The last one couldn't fit his right leg on and had to lift it."

(Atlanta-GA) According to a 20-year study published in the journal Science, monkeys who had a decreased daily calorie intake by 30 percent showed a halt the aging process. In the study involving 76 rhesus monkeys, only 13 percent of the calorie-restricted animals died during the 20-year period, compared with 37 percent of monkeys allowed to eat their usual diet. And the oldest monkey in the study is now 29 beating the specie's average lifespan of 27. While too early to tell the exact crossover benefits to humans, scientists postulate that Nicole Richie will live to be 150.

(Washington, D.C.) House Democrats' push on health care legislation is now in a coma after a group of fiscally conservative Democrats demanded significant changes to the draft bill before they would vote for it, a move needed before it can go to the House chamber. The Congressman speaking on behalf of the group, Arkansas Representative Mark Ross, was clear that billing for healthcare could not be based on Medicare rates until the regional rate disparities are fixed. However, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer does not see this as a setback. "Let me make it very clear that everybody thinks we ought to pass health care, said Hoyer. "The fact that we don't want to spend any money on it….c'mon. We're talking t-crossing and i-dotting here."

(Anchorage-AK) Levi Johnston, father of Sarah Palin's grandchild, told the "Anchorage Daily News" this week that Sarah Palin allegedly said "how nice it would be to take some of this money people have been offering us and just run with it, and forget everything else." Johnston claims this was the reason for Palin's surprise resignation. Corroboration came earlier this week when Palin attorney Thomas Van Flein told the "Washington Post" Palin had "hundreds of credible offers since the campaign," ranging from Hollywood projects and book deals directly involving Palin's children. Van Flein went on to say that Palin had not been able to take advantage of any except her book deal. Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton immediately dismissed these statements. However, Palin was unavailable for comment, because she was too busy trying to buy Imelda Marcos' shoe collection and Ruth Madoff's former Manhattan apartment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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