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Friday, 10 July 2009

Little Rock, AR-Corey Janisko, a phone operator for a small software development company in Sherwood, Arkansas reported to police on Thursday that he has lost his tube of ChapStick brand lip balm.

"I don't think it was stolen, I mean, I would hope no one would be so mean." Janisko said. "i looked on the floor, in my desk drawer and my briefcase to no avail. All I know is that my lips are very dry, the kind of dry only Chapstick can cure."

When asked by authorities responding to the call to describe the missing balm janisko provided the following description:

"It's a oblong circular container, some would call it a tube I believe. It has a black wrapper with white letters that spell out Chapstick on it. It has a white cap on one end and a white twitsy thing on the bottom that when twisted cause a pale colored waxy substance to protrude from the uncapped end."

Detective Rodney Long of the Sherwood Police Department is the officer assigned to the case.

"He's obviously torn up about the loss, and we will spare no expense until the lip balm is returned to its rightful owner," said the Detective, adding "We all have the occasional dry-lip so this case hits close to home. We have to remain vigilant. I keep thinking, what if this happened to my wife or child?"

Janisko's co-workers have been supportive of him during his loss. "They've been very kind. One girl brought me a new tube of Blistex. God love her, her heart is in the right place, but it's like replacing a deceased child with a pet monkey. Entertaining and cute, but it's just not the same."

Janisko stated that starting a fesh tube when he knows his is out there somewhere just feels wrong, comparing the stick of blam to a pair of comfortable shoes. "It was broken in...it knew my lips like I know my own body. To start fresh would just be wrong and time consuming. Who has that kind of time?"

Sherwood Police Officials ask that if you have any information leading to the vanished tube of Chapstick to contact Janisko directly. Detective Long remains optomistic adding "We don't want to keep these two seperated any longer than necessary. I just hope we find it in time. The thought that it could be in a hot car or wedged between sofa cushions somewhere is just...it's heart-wrenching."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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