(AP) - Hoboken NJ: What appear to be the remains of the first U.S President have been unearthed at the site of a new Wal-Mart here. The discovery was made by backhoe operator, Nunzio Crapola., 36, who holds a PhD in Pre-Columbian Forensic Pathology from Oxford, the British University. "I got laid off from my professorship at Harvard University, so here I am. Let's face it, in this economy there isn't a big call for Pre-Columbian Forensic Pathologists," he said. "So digging in the dirt is digging in the dirt. What the Hell," he said with apparent resignation.
"I'm sure it's Washington's bones. No doubt about it," he added. Crapola is the author of the scholarly work, " Checkin' The Noggins Of The Prexies, A Detailed View Of Presidential Cranial Features," published by the Yale University Press. Originally published in 1997, it has sold 38 copies to date. "I expect to sell more if the Book Of The Month Club or Amazon picks it up, or even better Oprah," he said. "One of their editors said it needed more sex in it, so I'm in the middle of a rewrite."
When interviewed, Crapola was bouncing a human skull up and down like a basketball. "Yup, this is the real thing, old G.W.'s head. It deserves all the respect it can get." When asked how he was so certain of its origin, Crapola pointed to the coronal suture, mandibular fossa, maxillary sinus and Zygomatic bones. "They are a perfect match. I should know."
"I had my findings confirmed by those actors who play pathologists on CSI, Las Vegas, New York and Miami, even though I think David Caruso is a crappy actor. Then the old guy from NCIS agreed and I even had that cute chick from 'Bones' check 'em out. Man, is she hot," Crapola noted. "How they got here I haven't got a clue, but maybe they just got sick of them taking up space at Mount Vernon. Washington died in his bedroom on December 14, 1799, but his brick tomb wasn't finished until 1831. Thirty two years is a hell of a long time to build a brick tomb, even for union labor. Maybe they really didn't like old Georgie Boy," Crapola pointed out.
If true, the discovery could cause a major controversy for the Obama administration which is clearly distancing itself from the report. Assigned to comment on the story is 4th Deputy Assistant to the 8th Undersecretary of the Department of the Interior, Hanford "Handy" Vanderbilt 3rd. "Bones? Bones? I don't know nuttin' about bones," was Vanderbilt's only reply when questioned by the Associated Press. Vanderbilt is a holdover from the Bush Administration.
"The only thing that comes to mind is there were some changes made to the Washington tomb during the Kennedy Administration. So there is a chance the current resident could be Marylyn Monroe or Jimmy Hoffa. Just a wild guess ya know," concluded Crapola.
By Howard Cronkite Jr., AP Summer Intern Historical Reporter
The Following Associated Press Summer interns also contributed to this story: Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Corky Couric, Taco Rivera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams