Washington, DC - President Barack Obama on Independence Day said he would on behalf of the United States apologize for the treatment the Loyalists got during and after the American War for Independence.
The President will host a dinner at the White House for selected descendants of those loyal to George III and the British Empire. It is expected that a lot of Loyalist descendants, mostly from Eastern Canada, will want to come to this dinner.
At the dinner, the President will give an official apology speech.
After issuing the statement, the President was asked whether the Loyalists were right in their fears of republicanism and too much democracy resulting in mob rule. Well, yes, they were right, he admitted. This is one of the main reasons we are apologizing, the President added. "Anyone can see that the American experiment has resulted in big government."
The Spoof is curious, since this is one serious admission. We wonder why the President all of a sudden admits this. Why on Independence Day? Mr. Obama says anyone but the totally blind can see this. It is obvious, the President said.
Will this have any consequences for the policies in American government? Of course not, the chief executive says. "The illusions and lack of distinction between the ruled and the rulers are what give us power. Now, we wouldn't want to take that away, would we?"
Asked if not these presidential words would remove that illusion, Barack Obama said the people are mostly blind anyway. "They won't wake up!"
We at The Spoof want to - on behalf of our readers - if the Loyalist descendants will be justly compensated for the losses of their ancestors during the Independence conflict. After all, there are loads of claims to lost property and damages on behalf of the Loyalists.
A budgetary official at the White House says an executive order could solve these issues, as the White House does not care that it does not have the constitutional authority to deal with such claims.
However, confiscating property is the name of the game. Today, the government collects 40-50 percent of people's earnings in taxes. We love this arrangement, the President says.
"What do people expect? That we pay reparations for war crimes? Even for our conceiving war? For treatment after peace had come? Come on! What's next? That we pay reparations for taxes? For big government? As I've said, we love our power here in Washington. We want to keep it!"
The date of the apology dinner has not yet been disclosed. A Loyalist descendant in Kingston, Ontario we spoke to says he and his wife will believe the apology dinner if and when it is completed. The Loyalist descendant says he is not impressed by the apopology issued. "It is just words!"