Conspiracy theorists who investigate the assasination of President John F. Kennedy have worked tirelessly for over 45 years to uncover the truth of what happened that fateful day in Dallas. Now, at their annual convention, they have come to a consensus and revealed what truly happened to JFK.
Many thousands of hours spent pouring over records from the CIA, the FBI, the Warren Commission, and the House Select Committee on Assassinations have finally revealed the truth of November 22, 1963.
Skip Wiffleball, spokesman for the group, discussed their findings in a press conference.
"We have finally put all of the pieces together and now know with full certainty that it was John Wilkes Booth behind the grassy knoll."
"It all fits: JFK was a Yankee and we all know Booth sympathized with the South. With Kennedy removed, a Southern Democrat (Lyndon Johnson was from Texas) became President."
"Booth was a marksman. In fact, in all ballistics experience, we know that he hit 100% of his targets. Of course, the only shot by him that history records took place at point blank range right behind Abraham Lincoln."
"Also, no one know for sure that he died. His body was burned in a fire in a barn and there were no modern forensics to fully identify him. He could have survived that fire and all of the shots into the barn."
When reminded that the Kennedy assasination took place 98 years after the Lincoln assasination, the group was not upset.
"Some people get better with age. That could be true for Booth also."
When asked about the roles of Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby, the group explained that "they were all in on it too. Ruby shot Oswald to keep him shut up, and Booth was supposed to kill Ruby but didn't for some reason."
When asked where Booth was today, they felt that "he's probably that old guy that danced in the Six Flags over Texas commercials a few years ago."