Written by Morgan Truce
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Thursday, 8 July 2004

image for White House to Improve Top-Secret Communications Gear !
"Can you hear me now?"

WASHINGTON (AP) Stung recently by leaks of top-secret communications between the White House and France, President George W. Bush has asked the CIA to install the latest high tech secure phones. The special telecommunications equipment designed by Microsoft and Bell Labs is thought to be at least 92% secure against eavesdropping by spies and terrorists.

At a hastily put together press briefing, President Bush and Vice President Cheney gave a brief demonstration of the new system. "Here Dick, you take this and stretch out the string to over by that big picture and I'll stay behind the podium." The Vice President whispered something into the President's ear, and Mr. Bush quickly took the new phone over near the big picture. Twenty minutes of "Can you hear me now?" ensued with a lot of string stretching and Presidential giggles. Cheney seemed to grow tired of playing with the phones, but Bush could not seem to figure out how the sound could be coming out of the phone. "Is there someone in there?"

The demonstration ended when Barney detected a security flaw and Microsoft was requested to provide a patch---the 43rd one for that day. President Bush seem quite annoyed when the Microsoft security team took the phones away, but his mood improved some when Barney fetched the red ball they both play with.

News of the malfunction of the new communications system caused the price of Microsoft stock to go into a steep dive. American Can Company and Consolidated String both remained steady on the news.

Both the President and Vice President seemed totally unaware of another press conference going on simultaneously with Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announcing that Al Qaeda was planning a major new attack on American soil before the fall elections: "Were not sure if it will be on our top soil or sandy soil. The attack may even come on our red clay soil. We are asking all American citizens to keep an eye on the dirt in their yards.

In Redmond, Washington, Bill Gates assured investors that Microsoft would soon have the lead in top-secret government communications gear. "Then I can truly rule the world!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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