Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 2 July 2009

image for OctuMom Buys Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch
Neverland's Loopy Looping Logarithm Ride.

SANTA BARBARA COUNTY, California - OctuMom's financial company OctuMoney has purchased the sprawling 2,800 acre Neverland Ranch.

Reports are that OctuMoney secured a $36.6 million loan from El Banco de Cancun located in Beverly Hills. There are unconfirmed reports that OctuMom is dating the bank's CEO Conrad Brad Bandicott.

When Bandicott was asked if the reports were true he replied that they were not. When OctuMom was asked if she was in fact dating Conrad Brad Bandicott, she replied that she did not know anyone by that name.

Neverland Ranch, which was named after Michael Jackson's original makeup artist Odessa Tiddly Neverland houses one of the largest petting zoos on the left coast.

The petting zoo, which is named The Billie Jean Petting Zoo is open 24-hours a day and features, goats, possum, monkeys, kangaroos, anacondas (which have been trained to be nice), French poodles, woodpeckers, and a Mexican fighting bull (which has been trained not to fight).

Since the petting zoo first opened in 1988, there have been a grand total of 14,000 different species of animals, birds, fish, and reptiles that have been petted.

And by far the most petted animal has been the ostrich that was born with no legs.

Second is the African lion that was born with no legs, no ears, no claws, and no teeth.

And third is the beautiful, sexy, and somewhat forward petting zoo assistant manager Velvetina "Buttercup" Fandango, 28, who at last count had been petted a little over 12,700 times, including about 60 times by George Hamilton.

Neverland Ranch also houses one of the biggest amusement parks west of the Mississippi River. The Ferris Wheel is the biggest one in the world. It has a total of 60 cars which can hold up to 6 individuals per car.

The Ferris Wheel was constructed at the Facundo Family Factory in Malpica, Portugal. It took a year and two months to build and cost $9 million.

When it was finished it was shipped across the Atlantic Ocean, down through the Panama Canal and up the Pacific Ocean coastline on the Portuguese Aircraft Carrier The PSS Senora De Las Palmas Altas Que Se Muven Con Madre Cuando Les Pega Un Huracan Rete Chingon, which roughly translated means One Big Ass Ship.

The Ferris Wheel has been featured in several motion pictures including Godzilla vs The Taliban, March of The Penguins, The Pink Panther - The Case of The Menage-a-Trois, Tarzan Infiltrates The Zulu Tribe Headquarters, The Titanic, and most recently Slumdog Millionaire.

Other rides featured at Neverland Ranch include The Zippity Doo Dah Zipper Cruncher, The Umbrella Ride From Just This Side of Hell, The Sick Sick Sky Swat Sizzler, and The Tilt-A-Tit Tornado.

When OctuMom was asked for her thoughts on the purchase of Neverland she replied, "Never in my wildest dreams did I ever dream that one day I would be daydreaming that I was standing in this Peter Panish place, but only I would not really be daydreaming or even dreaming."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The La Brea Tar Pits Scrutinizer Tribune will be reporting in its morning edition that OctuMom has decided that the lifesize statue of Bubbles the Chimp which is located at the entrance to Neverland Ranch will be given to Jackson's lifelong friend and role model Diana Ross.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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