Devoted fans reacted with shock today as it was revealed that the body of Michael Jackson has gone missing.
Emotions ranged from utter disbelief to hopeful optimism as the news spread through cyberspace like a grease fire through a Popeye's Chicken franchise.
"He has arisen!" exclaimed one young fan sporting one sequined glove and a poorly sized codpiece. "It is the ultimate proof that he's the Messiah afterall," he professed as he moonwalked across the street in celebration.
Unfortunately, it was against the light and he was slightly outside the crosswalk when he was struck by a cross-town bus. "Hell, I thought he was walking the other way," the bus driver later confessed.
Others were more cautious...and reasonable...suspecting that Jackson's body was actually stolen. One investigative journalist professes to have uncovered a trail leading all the way to a remote location in Wyoming. According to unnamed sources, Jackson's body was spirited away in the dead of night to a renown taxidermist in Wyoming specializing in exotic animals. In a grainy, barely audible video file sent anonymously to the LA Times, a man can be observed examining what appears to be a body, pausing to ask, "So...you want me to fix the face while I'm at it?"
Subsequent conversation identified the taxidermist as one Boudreaux Phipps, a specialist in the preservation of large game. Poking the body with the toe of his boot, Boudreaux asked, "What in the hell IS this thing? I've stuffed a lot of animals in my day...hell, I even preserved a Sasquatch last year...but I ain't never seen nothing like this! Damn, it's ugly!" Investigators questioned Mr. Phipps a few hours later, but came away with few leads, dismissing him as, "just a hostile old coot who does good taxidermy."
Speculation as to who might want the body of Michael Jackson preserved ranged all the way from Joe Jackson to SONY. "Bubbles the Chimp obviously has inside information, but so far, he's not talking," said a spokesman for the investigation. But, according to one source, whom prefers to remain unidentified, "Joe Jackson plans to open Neverland as an amusement park and put Michael's body on display at the entrance. He wants to put some animatronics in his limbs so he can moonwalk and grab his crotch on the hour. The man's a GENIUS! Except for the tiny fact he doesn't own Neverland..."
Meanwhile, SONY released a statement denying the allegations, saying only, "We already own the soul of Michael Jackson, so we're done with the body." With regard to Michael Jackson reportedly returning the Beatles collection to Paul McCartney, SONY issued ANOTHER statement that said simply, "Nuh-Uh! We own the other 50% of that, too, thank you very much!"
Sir Paul McCartney had no comment to either of the SONY statements other than to say, "Man, that's harsh!" Paul did say, however, that he holds no ill-will towards Michael for outbidding him for the Beatles collection in the first place. "Sure, it's my music and sure I'm worth over 4-billion dollars-and I'm debt-free and a freaking knight! But, life is too short to hold a grudge, yesiree!" McCartney's voice went shrill. But, Sir Paul is not above suspicion in the mysterious disappearance of Jackson's body. Showing off a new addition to his house dedicated to the late Michael Jackson, Paul was asked how he'd like to remember the King of Pop. Paul smirked wickedly, pointed to a lit pedestal next to a skeletal display and remarked, "Right there, next the bones of the Elephant Man."