Written by K J Heitz
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Tuesday, 11 October 2005

Alan Greenspan took a quick break Wednesday from his extremely boring job as Chairman of the Federal Reserve to celebrate his 143rd birthday with his family and co-workers. Greenspan, who was born the year Abraham Lincoln became president, gave brief remarks before smothering his candles with 12 gallons of water.

"I fell very fortunate to live in a time of such great medical care for the rich and important in this country," the old bastard said. "To be honest, I didn't think I would live past 110, but here I am, still doing a job nobody else wants."

With great-great-great-great grandkids on the way, he has no plans to die anytime soon.

Greenspan was first nominated to his post by his childhood friend and fraternity brother, President Theodore Roosevelt, and has been re-appointed by every president since. "I remember the first day on the job," Greenspan recalled. "That jerk-wad Teddy put a whoopee-cushion…well, fart bags as they were called back then…on my chair. He was always doing things like that."

Greenspan admits the biggest challenge since taking the helm of the Federal Reserve is keeping up with ever-changing technology. When he first took office, his staff had one telephone and had to share three quills. "Now these kids have wires and gadgets coming out of their ears…I can't keep up with this instant message and email crap. My secretary tried to give me a BlackBerry last year, so I fired her."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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