KNOXVILLE, Tennessee - Virgil Bob and Kitty Lou Pennypicker were arrested on charges of assaulting each other using Cheetos.
The first officer on the scene Sheriff's Deputy Bubba Bob Buckover, Jr., said that when he walked into the trailer everything from the black and white rabbit-eared TV to the gimme cap rack hanging on the living room wall seemed to be covered in a fine golden-colored powder.
Buckover said that he walked out to the backyard where he found Virgil Bob and Kitty Lou spitting on each other.
The deputy said that he noticed that four dogs, a cat, a woodchuck, and a goldfish in a beer bottle were also completely covered in the golden powder.
Buckover said that he recalled being at the Pennypicker trailer last Thanksgiving Day on account of a similar type disturbance.
At that time he reported that he and fellow Deputy Toby Bob "Inbred" Wackaminski had found the wife sprawled out on the kitchen pantry floor reading Sports Illustrated with Butterball bruises to the face, neck, and bambajigglers* area.
Her husband was found sitting on a couch in the back porch with turkey gravy in his hair, smelly gizzard niblets hanging out of both ears, and Stovetop Stuffing stuffed in his boxer shorts.
Deputy Buckover remarked that it was not a pretty scene at all and that he actually had nightmares about it for two weeks.
At that time the Pennypickers were both arrested and taken to the downtown jail where both were photographed, fingerprinted, and hosed down out in the jailhouse parking lot. Bail was set at $90 for Virgil Bob and $96 for Kitty Lou.
In this latest incident Knoxville Sheriff Tarragon Bob Redwood had the Pennypickers outfitted with ankle monitoring bracelets.
A next day follow up check of the computer that monitors all of the ankle bracelets showed that Virgil Bob was in Dodge City, Kansas and Kitty Lou was in Cochabamba, Bolivia.
In a related developing story. It is being reported in The Knoxville Out Yonder Tribune that Sheriff Tarragon Bob Redwood, known throughout the state of Tennessee as "The Taserin' Redneck" has been quoted as saying that the Pennypickers have highly embarrassed his redneck a*s and he is one angry as hell pissed off hombre (man).
He reportedly told one of his deputies in strictest confidence that when the Pennypickers are picked up (and they will be) and both are returned to Knoxville he will personally take them both into a dark, isolated, soundproof cell and he will taser them both until the damn cows come home.
[WRITER'S NOTE: Shortly after the article was completed, I learned that both Virgil Bob and Kitty Lou Pennypicker had indeed both been apprehended. It is my understanding that the Pennypickers were both tasered repeatedly by Sheriff Redwood. There is also, as yet, an unconfirmed report that Sheriff Redwood also took a branding iron to the messed up couple.
I would like to express my sincerest thanks and appreciation to the following individuals for their help and assistance in the compilation of this article: Preston Bob Bandoodle, sports editor for The Knoxville Out Yonder Tribune. Haddie May Payette, Dairy Queen assistant manager. Keira Knightley, actress. And Roberta Sue "Pumpkin Pie" Amberjack, unemployed farm tractor mechanic.]