Written by Rodd Justice
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Topics: 9/11

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

Peter Buck was not responsible for the 9/11th September 11th atrocities, a court in Middlesex has decided. Happy New Yorkers now call for a tribute to the REM pensioner.

The verdict comes as a relief for the REM guitarist, who claimed, "the only suicide bombings I've been involved in was the popular reaction to 'Reveal'."

Early suspicions that he, with the help of the missing, presumed suicide-bombed, Mike and the Mechanics, had plotted the terror attacks on the US months beforehand. "They aren't dead, but like the Taleban, Americans wish they were," said Buck.

Relieved New Yorkers celebrated the news by demanding that the twin towers be rebuilt in the rowdy guitarist's form. "Imagine all the office space we could squeeze into that ample beer belly!" chortled one citizen of the Big iMac. He pointed to a diagram on the cover of "Chime" magazine, which showed the artist's impression of the building. "That's the yoghurt on his crotch," said the passer-by, who's time we had now wasted a lot of.

Although plans to rebuild the towers in their exact form are expected to continue, despite questions being raised over the necessity of putting Afghan corpses and burning Afghan-Air aeroplanes in the upper floors. "If we recreate them exactly as they were before they collapsed, then we're brave and defiant!" Americans, what do they know?

Buck did not say whether he would mount a legal challenge to force the construction of "Buck's Beck's Towers". "I need the royalties from the construction of the building," he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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